I feel like every time I begin one of these blogs, I start off the same way. I don't know why I don't write more. I really do have a lot to say- if you've ever met me, you know this. I never shut up. The truth is, I write when I'm feeling upbeat and optimistic and positive about life, and when something terrible happens, I shut down. I don't know how to express pain very well, and it's not something people like to talk about. Divorce? Losing a pregnancy? Nobody wants to hear about that stuff. I just bottle it up, and I sort through it on my own the best I can.
There's no particular reason that I decided to open my computer this morning. It's been over a year since I've even tried to write something. Maybe it's because I'm feeling older (and gradually wiser) by the day as 28 rapidly approaches. I had a girl from my hometown inbox me a little over a month ago. Her message read, "Hey girly, are you not blogging anymore? I enjoy reading them. They helped me out a lot." I told her that day that I had hung it up for personal reasons. What I didn't tell her was that I almost choked on my drink. I helped you out? That's crazy to me. Sometimes I feel like my life is the biggest messy circus, and when I put it out there for the world to see I'm going to regret it eventually. You name it, I've probably messed up somehow, someway, related to whatever comes out of your mouth. I don't know how that could help anybody, except to tell them what not to do.
Which is maybe, just maybe, worth writing again.
When I was 23 years old, my friend Ashley and I were on the phone. She was four years older than me, and she had grown up with my ex-husband. She said something to me that day that I will never forget in my life.
"There is such a big difference between 23 and 27, Lindsey. I can't even begin to tell you. The way you see things changes. Just wait. When you're 27, call me, and tell me if I'm right."
I'll be 28 in two weeks. I feel every single bit of it. My knees have started to hurt every time I stand up (my dad says this comes from his side of the family), I have carpel tunnel in my left wrist, and when I got my hair cut the other day the stylist told me I have grey hair coming in. This year hit me harder than most, for a lot of reasons, and I guess I was about halfway through 27 years old when I realized that Ashley was 100% correct. A tremendous amount of things change between 23 and 27.
These are some of the changes I made that I thought were worth sharing.
1. I stopped caring so much about what people thought. That's hard to do when you're going through a divorce and a custody battle, or when you're in circles in a town full of people that love to gossip. I separated myself from those people. Period. I spent months- I mean months, y'all- trying to look like I had my shit together- for my ex-husband, for his family, for my family, for my friends, for Facebook- it was absolutely exhausting. I was almost as miserable as I was at the end of my marriage. Had I done all of that for nothing? Why was I working so hard to impress people who were never going to change their opinions of me? I was running myself ragged. So just like that, I stopped. I chose to be alone rather than go out and be around fake people or people I had to be fake around. I chose to NOT post a status, rather than post some fake line of bullshit about how thankful or blessed I am.
2. I got better friends. I surrounded myself with people that made me laugh and made me feel good about myself and about life, no matter what their social status was. It's amazing what it did for my emotional health. When you find people that love you- I mean really love you- and those people prove that they won't leave your side no matter how bad it gets- you start to feel a sense of self-worth that you can't get on your own. I remember thinking about one of my best friends, "God, I am so lucky she hasn't run away screaming yet. Girls like her are rare." When I express these thoughts to her, she comes back at me with reassurance that she thinks the same of me. We've never been catty or jealous, and there is no drama. I can't even begin to describe to you how nice it is to have a friendship like that.
3. I stopped listening to country music so much. Seriously, I had to quit it. Most of it is depressing, or has some memory tied to it. Music affects my moods, a lot. I noticed it would happen at the beginning of my EDM days. When I would listen to Krewella or Nervo, I'd be dancing around, singing into a hairbrush and headbanging. If I turned on Luke Bryan radio, I'd end up crying or almost in tears every time, either over a memory or my kids or my dad or my mom... it was ridiculous. I quit it cold turkey for a long time, until someone told me about this man named Sam Hunt, who actually has a build and a drop in one of his songs (insert heart-eyed emojis here), but I even limit how much I listen to that.
4. I learned that not everything has to have an immediate reaction. I feel like this might be the biggest lesson I've learned in life so far. Let me say it again- not everything has to have an immediate reaction. I think most girls get their psycho labels when we flip our switches because something didn't go the way we wanted right off the rip. I learned that if I just bit my tongue, no matter how hard it was, and did the whole "be a better person" thing and waited, things would eventually go the way they needed to in the long run. Example 1: About two weeks ago I asked my ex-husband Tyler and his wife Brittany if I would be able to take my kids trick or treating on Halloween since the kids will be at their house. Their answer two weeks ago was, "We'll see." Two years ago, I would have blown my top and said something along the lines of they were my children and I would take them trick or treating if I wanted to, who did they think they were? Instead, I just said, "Okay, please let me know a few days in advance." Brittany called me two nights ago and asked if my boyfriend and I just wanted to meet them at their house and we all go trick-or-treating together with the kids. A better situation than I could have asked or prayed for, and it happened because I didn't lose my temper or demand an answer right there in that moment two weeks ago. Example 2: Andrew. Lord, help. If you know me at all, you know what I mean by that, but if you don't, let me explain. I knew I was in love with this man at the end of the summer last year, but we'd only casually dated and broken up after a couple of months. He still wanted me around, but he didn't want to put a label on things, and sometimes he wouldn't talk to me for weeks at a time. Instead of pressuring him, I was just there for him. Instead of demanding he choose me or claim me, I gave him space and we each did our own things for a while. I didn't demand an immediate reaction from him, ever, and it took seven months- SEVEN excruciating and long months- for him to realize he was in love with me, too. Now we live together a little north of Atlanta and are learning together how to do life together one day at a time, and I fall in love with him a little more every day. I could go on and on with examples of this one, but I will say that I've never held my tongue and regretted it, but I have lost my cool or been demanding and felt like I missed out on something that could've been great.
5. I stopped being an attention whore. I learned it's okay to say "no" to a guy that you're not really interested in, even if you have nothing better to do. It's okay to spend Friday night alone. It's okay not to have a boyfriend/girlfriend around all the time. It's okay to be alone. It's better to be alone than to spread yourself thin with whoever's in your inbox at the time. For real. I cannot tell you how many Friday nights I spent in sweats with pretzels and hummus and Netflix on the couch. I stopped being so desperate for attention, and gave that attention to myself.
6. I started eating better. If you follow me on Instagram you know I still eat Taco Bell (a lot), but I promise, it's not as bad as you think. I stopped drinking soda every day, and started drinking water. I stopped ordering french fries and started ordering broccoli. Hell, I learned how to make my own broccoli and it's one of the best things I make nowadays. I stopped eating sweets as much. That's not to say I dont' indulge every once in a while, but I cut out the white chocolate Reese's every day. I started cooking at home more, and we switched to wheat bread. Little changes here and there have left me feeling better about my body than any diet ever has.
7. I stopped getting hammered. Seriously, I'm too old for that shit. The hangovers aren't worth it, and nobody wants to deal with me when I'm drunk anyway. I'll have a few beers every once in a while, but I can't tell you the last time I did shots. I'll leave that to the 21 year olds.
8. I traveled. With my friends, and alone. Across the country and down to Florida a few times. I made memories I'll never forget, and it was worth every dime spent. One of the best (and bravest) trips I've ever taken was going to Los Angeles alone for the first time to meet some friends out west. I'll never forget the feeling I got when I put my feet in the Pacific Ocean for the first time. It was dark, the wind was blowing, I had my jeans rolled up and my jacket around me, the water was ice cold... but man, did I feel free. I got the whole thing on video, and my best friend said it made her cry. I hope my kids do something like that for themselves one day. I'll never forget the feeling of standing with six of my best friends, holding our hands up in the air in an enormous crowd of people in a field down in Florida, with 65,000 voices all singing the same lyrics at the top of our lungs. There is no other feeling in the world like it, and I still get goosebumps when I think about it.
9. I let go. I let go of everything that I can't change and quit torturing myself over it. There was nothing I could have done to save my baby, so I had to let her go and stop driving myself insane. There's nothing I can do to change my family situation, so I let that go, too. Toxic people do not have to be in your life simply because you share genes with them. Do not let yourself fall victim to that mythology, because I drove myself mad a few times with that one. I learned to forgive, and if not forgive then just to move on, simply because carrying grudges are heavy. When you let things go, so much weight comes off your shoulders.
10. I stopped being right all the time and I started apologizing. I know, it's hard for me to believe that I can be a cold-hearted bitch sometimes too, but guess what? Sometimes I am. Sometimes I am cruel and I am mean and I can be bossy and demanding. When that happens, I have learned to apologize. I've stopped saying the words, "I'm sorry, but you..." when I apologize. I've accepted that sometimes I am wrong, and sometimes I owe people sincere apologies without a clause. Just "I'm sorry, I was wrong to do/say that." Nobody is perfect, as much as we like to think we are.
11. I put the technology down. I can't tell you how much of a difference this makes sometimes. These days technology is so cool, so advanced, and so easily accessible that it's easy to get caught up and not realize that we're missing out on life outside of a screen. I took YouTube away from my kids and we started playing board games and card games together. Andrew and I stopped watching movies every night and started painting on canvas at our kitchen table. I stopped sitting on Facebook for hours and started hiking. In turn, my kids and I have made a lot of fun memories while they are also learning. Andrew has shown me a creative side of him that I never saw before, and we have bonded in ways I didn't think we ever could. I've been at the top of a few mountains and seen some breathtaking views. I couldn't get any of that from my iPhone.
I'm not perfect, but I like to think I'm getting better at this thing called Life. I don't know if anyone ever has it all quite figured out, but I'm learning day by day. As for my friend Ashley, you know, the one who told me there's a difference between 23 and 27? I told her she was right. It made her day, and then she said, "Just hang on... Wait til you get to 30 and look back on 27."
I guess this is to be continued...
Thursday, October 20, 2016
Tuesday, August 25, 2015
Don't chase the quaffle when you see the snitch.
I have a Harry Potter tattoo on my left thigh. It's original, it's amazing, and it's my favorite out of the eight tattoos on my body (so far). Eventually I'd love to make it into a thigh sleeve, but for now I love it so much I just leave it alone and laugh when people ask me, "What's on your leg?"
I realize that this has nothing to do with what I'm about to talk about, but it kind of does, so just in case you're wondering what this badass tattoo looks like, here it is.
To all you non Potterheads, again I say, go read a book. But if you don't know... In the game of Quidditch, a Quaffle is worth 10 points. But the Snitch... That baby is worth 150 points. And when you catch it, the game is over; (and most of the time) your team wins.
I stopped what I was doing and read this at least seven times.
STOP CHASING THE QUAFFLE WHEN YOU SEE THE SNITCH. It's the GOLDEN snitch, for crying out loud. Do what you have to do to go get it, and stop wasting your time and effort and energy over the Quaffles just because they're easier to score and catch. You can score FOURTEEN TIMES with a Quaffle and still not match a Snitch's worth.
Just... Yes. How many times have I learned this the hard way?
Something might not be easy, and it may take a while for you to finally see the Golden snitch because it's difficult and it moves faster than most can see. But if you're lucky enough to find your golden snitch, stop fucking around with the Quaffles. Train to be better so that you can catch the Snitch and win the game.
Do I have my golden snitch? Maybe. I know I'm working every day to train to be a better Seeker so the games can be over and we can win. In the meantime, somebody else can take the position of a Beater (oh come ON- the ones who try to score the Quaffles into the rings).
From now on, I'm a Seeker. Where is my Firebolt?
The End.
Harry Potter for life. Sorry not sorry.
I realize that this has nothing to do with what I'm about to talk about, but it kind of does, so just in case you're wondering what this badass tattoo looks like, here it is.
The middle, though you can barely see it, says "Mischief Managed" in disappearing ink. The footsteps I added the night my divorce was final. (People come and go).
If you get it, congratulations! You can stay. The rest of you can leave now.
Kidding. Seriously though, if you don't get it, go read a book. Or seven.
ANYWAY.
Tonight I saw this and it hit me so hard in the heart I thought it stopped beating for a few seconds.
I stopped what I was doing and read this at least seven times.
STOP CHASING THE QUAFFLE WHEN YOU SEE THE SNITCH. It's the GOLDEN snitch, for crying out loud. Do what you have to do to go get it, and stop wasting your time and effort and energy over the Quaffles just because they're easier to score and catch. You can score FOURTEEN TIMES with a Quaffle and still not match a Snitch's worth.
Just... Yes. How many times have I learned this the hard way?
Something might not be easy, and it may take a while for you to finally see the Golden snitch because it's difficult and it moves faster than most can see. But if you're lucky enough to find your golden snitch, stop fucking around with the Quaffles. Train to be better so that you can catch the Snitch and win the game.
Do I have my golden snitch? Maybe. I know I'm working every day to train to be a better Seeker so the games can be over and we can win. In the meantime, somebody else can take the position of a Beater (oh come ON- the ones who try to score the Quaffles into the rings).
From now on, I'm a Seeker. Where is my Firebolt?
The End.
Harry Potter for life. Sorry not sorry.
Wednesday, August 19, 2015
Psst...
Psst... Here's a secret I want to share with you guys.
Are you ready?!
I don't blog so that there can be a constant argument with people about what I should and shouldn't say, or to create drama.
I've been doing this for the better part of four years now. My first blog, "Dancing Through The Chaos", began in 2011 and was originally suggested to me by my marriage counselor at the time. It was a healthy outlet for me during a time when I was extremely depressed and had zero time to myself. Ever.
The second blog, "Mine", turned out to be almost a novel and people STILL ask me when I'm going to finish it.
Dancing Through The Chaos actually got so much response that the editor of the Chatsworth Times had me write a column in the paper for a while. Almost all of Chatsworth had public, black and white access to my crazy brain during the year 2012.
I've pissed off Republicans, Christians, atheists, my mom, my dad, Democrats, men, women, and teachers, all because I've written down (or typed out) what I think in my head and I'm not afraid to share it with the world.
So let me reiterate: Sorry I'm not sorry if you don't like something I said. I don't write for anyone but myself. I put myself out there, and most of y'all love it. The kind of people I want in my life are the kind of people that encourage me for being brave and bold, not beat me down about what I say.
If you're new here, now you know why this blog is a Thing.
If you're someone who's been reading my randomness since 2011, which a lot of you are, I love you. Thank you for your uplifting messages and words. ❤
Are you ready?!
I don't blog so that there can be a constant argument with people about what I should and shouldn't say, or to create drama.
I've been doing this for the better part of four years now. My first blog, "Dancing Through The Chaos", began in 2011 and was originally suggested to me by my marriage counselor at the time. It was a healthy outlet for me during a time when I was extremely depressed and had zero time to myself. Ever.
The second blog, "Mine", turned out to be almost a novel and people STILL ask me when I'm going to finish it.
Dancing Through The Chaos actually got so much response that the editor of the Chatsworth Times had me write a column in the paper for a while. Almost all of Chatsworth had public, black and white access to my crazy brain during the year 2012.
I've pissed off Republicans, Christians, atheists, my mom, my dad, Democrats, men, women, and teachers, all because I've written down (or typed out) what I think in my head and I'm not afraid to share it with the world.
So let me reiterate: Sorry I'm not sorry if you don't like something I said. I don't write for anyone but myself. I put myself out there, and most of y'all love it. The kind of people I want in my life are the kind of people that encourage me for being brave and bold, not beat me down about what I say.
If you're new here, now you know why this blog is a Thing.
If you're someone who's been reading my randomness since 2011, which a lot of you are, I love you. Thank you for your uplifting messages and words. ❤
Monday, August 17, 2015
The NOPE List
I've spent a lot of time over the past few years trying to figure out what I want in a partner. Truth be told, I still don't know. What I have been able to do, however, is create a list of "NOPE" factors that help me recognize if this dude needs to hit the road sooner rather than later.
It's hard to admit that someone you've invested time in might not be the person you thought they were after all. Personally, I hate losing, so I've got a bad habit of hanging on even when I know I should let go. I've done it in almost every single "relationship" I've been in, not just since my divorce, but ever in my life.
I should have let go the minute I recognized any of the red flags on Lindsey's List of Nopes, but I'm stubborn. Being stubborn ended up costing me a few friendships that I think could have been salvaged with a few guys that I think are great otherwise.
I'm not saying use this thing as a guideline for your own life or anything like that, but here's my list of things to consider before you get serious with the next guy who wants to take you to dinner. (I'm also talking to my future self here.)
NOPE #1: Body Shaming
One guy told me all the time, "I love that you have more fat on you than I do. I like thicker girls."
I'm aware that curves are sexy, but comparing myself to a meathead with 4% body fat is exhausting. I'm 5'3", and it's hard to maintain a body I'm proud of. If I gain even three pounds, it's noticeable. He knew my insecurities, and instead of building me up, he used them to step on in order to boost his ego a little more.
I'm just as beautiful on a day that I've eaten a Big Zax Snack as the day I've eaten nothing but salad. So are you. Don't let anyone, but especially not your significant other, make you feel otherwise. They're supposed to be the one to make you believe you're gorgeous, not make you feel like you can't have that milkshake you've been craving from Sonic. Drink the milkshake. Ditch the douchebag.
NOPE #2: Interrupting
What I have to say is important, dammit. If I'm opening up to share a story with you, it means I'm letting you in on a part of my life. Don't cut me off in the middle of it. You might just learn a thing or two if you shut up and listen.
Communication is THE single most important thing in a relationship. If your partner is constantly cutting you off or talking over you, address it. Some guys don't want a girlfriend, they want an audience. Know the difference.
NOPE #3: Lies
One guy called me on his way home one night and said his ex came into the bar he was at begging him back. When I addressed the issue with her, she had no idea what I was talking about and insisted I could call him on three-way and confront him. I did. Turns out he made the whole thing up just to make me jealous and want to "fight for him".
If he lies about stupid stuff, he'll lie about even bigger things. Send him packing.
NOPE #4: Gaslighting
If you don't know what that means, it's an old movie reference and it's used when your partner tries to convince you that you're crazy or wrong when you're not.
One morning my boyfriend's phone went off and his ex-girlfriend's name came up on his home screen. He had an iPhone and hadn't set his messages to private, so I could see what the text said. Let's just say I wasn't happy. When I asked him to open his phone (I didn't know the passcode) to show me, he fidgeted for a minute before he handed me his phone, and the message was gone.
I clearly stood there and watched him delete it, and he still argued with me for hours about whether or not it had even happened. I knew I wasn't seeing things, but I didn't have a way to get in touch with her. Later I found out exactly what I'd known the entire time.
Bottom line? (At least in this scenario) I wasn't crazy! Don't let anyone make you question what you know to be true.
NOPE #5: Anger Issues
I know everyone can lose their temper every once in a while, especially if life is stressing you out. What isn't okay is if your partner is harming you in any way, either with their words or their hands.
If he's got his nose pressed up to yours with a red face and he's gritting his teeth and balling up his fists while he's cussing at you, it's time to go. Now. Before it gets any worse.
NOPE #6: Sexual Selfishness
Don't get all weird; none of us are virgins here. Sex is really important to a relationship too, but for some reason nobody likes to talk about it.
If your man rushes or skips foreplay and hurries through the act without any concern for your satisfaction like his orgasm is more important than yours, he's selfish, and chances are he's selfish outside the bedroom as well. I have a friend that has been married for years, and she has NEVER had an orgasm. Ever. It blows my freakin' mind.
On that same subject, if he's making fun of what you like, or he's unwilling to try something you're into (within reason), or if he's pressuring you into things you aren't comfortable with, SPEAK UP! If your sex life sucks, one of you is going to be tempted to look for it elsewhere. (Trust me, I've been guilty. Not proud of it, but it happened once upon a time. It didn't end well.)
NOPE #7: Belittling Your Success
I almost married a man who hated that I brought home more money than he did after we paid our bills. He tried to get me to quit my job to come work at a carpet mill with him numerous times. He would always say, "Well I'm exhausted because I have a real job." Like the money in my bank account was Monopoly money and the hours I spent at my office weren't real.
I'm gonna stop here because I just get mad and it continues into number eight.
NOPE #8: Mooching
I'm not saying you can't pick up the check at dinner every once in a while, or treat him to a special date just because. But if you're paying for literally everything the two of you do together, it's time to evaluate where you're headed. If he's not stepping up with finances now, you're setting the pretense that it's okay for him to become dependent on you. Don't be a Sugar Mama. Send him home to his mom's house and go get your nails done.
NOPE #9: L-Bombing
If he rushes into saying those three words, chances are he's got some issues somewhere. One dude dropped it on me TEN DAYS after I first met him and then got pissed off and moped around for three days when I didn't say it back.
Love is serious. Don't say it until you're ready. Those three words meant the most they ever have to me when they came from someone who had known me for well over a year. Why? I knew it was genuine. He cared for me through all the bullshit we had been through, after he'd seen me at my best and at my absolute worst. When he finally admitted he loved me, THAT was special. Real love, love that's worth keeping, withstands time, and you don't have to rush it.
NOPE #10: Keeping You a Secret
If he's not introducing you as his girlfriend to his friends or family and you guys have crossed the line from hooking up to actually dating, it should be a huge red flag for a thousand reasons. You deserve someone who's proud to show you off and call you their girlfriend. If he's not, don't give him that privilege any longer.
Like I said, I'm not perfect.
I dated a guy for two months that I knew I didn't want to be serious with, but I let it get that way anyway. I ended up hurting him, and now he won't even speak to me. And that really sucks, because he's a great human with a good heart, and we could've been good friends.
I almost married a chameleon who pretended to be something he wasn't until he could no longer keep up the front and his true colors came bursting through. I saw almost all of these warning signs about this particular dude coming from miles away, and I ignored them until I couldn't anymore.
I'm really, really, REALLY bad at dating, but at least I know what I don't want. One day down the road, my "NOPE" list is going to lead to someone who wrote my "YEP" list and I didn't even know it. ❤
One day. Just not today! ;)
It's hard to admit that someone you've invested time in might not be the person you thought they were after all. Personally, I hate losing, so I've got a bad habit of hanging on even when I know I should let go. I've done it in almost every single "relationship" I've been in, not just since my divorce, but ever in my life.
I should have let go the minute I recognized any of the red flags on Lindsey's List of Nopes, but I'm stubborn. Being stubborn ended up costing me a few friendships that I think could have been salvaged with a few guys that I think are great otherwise.
I'm not saying use this thing as a guideline for your own life or anything like that, but here's my list of things to consider before you get serious with the next guy who wants to take you to dinner. (I'm also talking to my future self here.)
NOPE #1: Body Shaming
One guy told me all the time, "I love that you have more fat on you than I do. I like thicker girls."
I'm aware that curves are sexy, but comparing myself to a meathead with 4% body fat is exhausting. I'm 5'3", and it's hard to maintain a body I'm proud of. If I gain even three pounds, it's noticeable. He knew my insecurities, and instead of building me up, he used them to step on in order to boost his ego a little more.
I'm just as beautiful on a day that I've eaten a Big Zax Snack as the day I've eaten nothing but salad. So are you. Don't let anyone, but especially not your significant other, make you feel otherwise. They're supposed to be the one to make you believe you're gorgeous, not make you feel like you can't have that milkshake you've been craving from Sonic. Drink the milkshake. Ditch the douchebag.
NOPE #2: Interrupting
What I have to say is important, dammit. If I'm opening up to share a story with you, it means I'm letting you in on a part of my life. Don't cut me off in the middle of it. You might just learn a thing or two if you shut up and listen.
Communication is THE single most important thing in a relationship. If your partner is constantly cutting you off or talking over you, address it. Some guys don't want a girlfriend, they want an audience. Know the difference.
NOPE #3: Lies
One guy called me on his way home one night and said his ex came into the bar he was at begging him back. When I addressed the issue with her, she had no idea what I was talking about and insisted I could call him on three-way and confront him. I did. Turns out he made the whole thing up just to make me jealous and want to "fight for him".
If he lies about stupid stuff, he'll lie about even bigger things. Send him packing.
NOPE #4: Gaslighting
If you don't know what that means, it's an old movie reference and it's used when your partner tries to convince you that you're crazy or wrong when you're not.
One morning my boyfriend's phone went off and his ex-girlfriend's name came up on his home screen. He had an iPhone and hadn't set his messages to private, so I could see what the text said. Let's just say I wasn't happy. When I asked him to open his phone (I didn't know the passcode) to show me, he fidgeted for a minute before he handed me his phone, and the message was gone.
I clearly stood there and watched him delete it, and he still argued with me for hours about whether or not it had even happened. I knew I wasn't seeing things, but I didn't have a way to get in touch with her. Later I found out exactly what I'd known the entire time.
Bottom line? (At least in this scenario) I wasn't crazy! Don't let anyone make you question what you know to be true.
NOPE #5: Anger Issues
I know everyone can lose their temper every once in a while, especially if life is stressing you out. What isn't okay is if your partner is harming you in any way, either with their words or their hands.
If he's got his nose pressed up to yours with a red face and he's gritting his teeth and balling up his fists while he's cussing at you, it's time to go. Now. Before it gets any worse.
NOPE #6: Sexual Selfishness
Don't get all weird; none of us are virgins here. Sex is really important to a relationship too, but for some reason nobody likes to talk about it.
On that same subject, if he's making fun of what you like, or he's unwilling to try something you're into (within reason), or if he's pressuring you into things you aren't comfortable with, SPEAK UP! If your sex life sucks, one of you is going to be tempted to look for it elsewhere. (Trust me, I've been guilty. Not proud of it, but it happened once upon a time. It didn't end well.)
NOPE #7: Belittling Your Success
I almost married a man who hated that I brought home more money than he did after we paid our bills. He tried to get me to quit my job to come work at a carpet mill with him numerous times. He would always say, "Well I'm exhausted because I have a real job." Like the money in my bank account was Monopoly money and the hours I spent at my office weren't real.
I'm gonna stop here because I just get mad and it continues into number eight.
NOPE #8: Mooching
I'm not saying you can't pick up the check at dinner every once in a while, or treat him to a special date just because. But if you're paying for literally everything the two of you do together, it's time to evaluate where you're headed. If he's not stepping up with finances now, you're setting the pretense that it's okay for him to become dependent on you. Don't be a Sugar Mama. Send him home to his mom's house and go get your nails done.
NOPE #9: L-Bombing
If he rushes into saying those three words, chances are he's got some issues somewhere. One dude dropped it on me TEN DAYS after I first met him and then got pissed off and moped around for three days when I didn't say it back.
Love is serious. Don't say it until you're ready. Those three words meant the most they ever have to me when they came from someone who had known me for well over a year. Why? I knew it was genuine. He cared for me through all the bullshit we had been through, after he'd seen me at my best and at my absolute worst. When he finally admitted he loved me, THAT was special. Real love, love that's worth keeping, withstands time, and you don't have to rush it.
NOPE #10: Keeping You a Secret
If he's not introducing you as his girlfriend to his friends or family and you guys have crossed the line from hooking up to actually dating, it should be a huge red flag for a thousand reasons. You deserve someone who's proud to show you off and call you their girlfriend. If he's not, don't give him that privilege any longer.
Like I said, I'm not perfect.
I dated a guy for two months that I knew I didn't want to be serious with, but I let it get that way anyway. I ended up hurting him, and now he won't even speak to me. And that really sucks, because he's a great human with a good heart, and we could've been good friends.
I almost married a chameleon who pretended to be something he wasn't until he could no longer keep up the front and his true colors came bursting through. I saw almost all of these warning signs about this particular dude coming from miles away, and I ignored them until I couldn't anymore.
I'm really, really, REALLY bad at dating, but at least I know what I don't want. One day down the road, my "NOPE" list is going to lead to someone who wrote my "YEP" list and I didn't even know it. ❤
One day. Just not today! ;)
Saturday, August 15, 2015
Screenshot on Screenshots ❤
I was going to write all of this post out in words, but I'm going to let most of these speak for themselves.
Today, I got this.
Today, I got this.
Apparently, my blog had been reported as "abusive" to Facebook and the URL was blocked. So, I had to do this.
And then this happened.
And then I felt those flutters again because I sent out FORTY EIGHT emails between comments and private messages. That is crazy, y'all. Because I don't even have TWENTY eight contacts in my phone!
This thing has had over 500 hits in two days and that is also crazy to me.
So if you're reading this, thanks for not making me feel like a total weirdo who talks to herself on the Internet.
And as for the drama today, Facebook unblocked my blog, and this is all I really have to say about it.
I was told later that this person got her feelings hurt. To this person: I do apologize if my words hurt you. However, the words in your post were just as hurtful to single mothers, and I'm obviously not alone in this.
Every single one of us has been through something. Every. Single. One. That doesn't give us a hall pass to act and talk to others like we are any better than them.
I don't like drama. I feel like everyone deserves peace, love, and respect.
We all need to make a better effort at this daily.
So let's move on. Tomorrow is another day.
P.S. THIS ALSO HAPPENED TODAY AND I WAS REALLY HAPPY!!

We're all just doing the best we can.
Get ready for a fiery tangent.
This morning, I woke up and took the kids to Mcdonald's so they could play on the playground. While they were playing, I opened Facebook and began scrolling and reading. Moms aren't ready for school to start, someone got flowers, there's some pictures up from Iris last night, a friend of mine is expecting twins.... Then I read this:
"One day someone will walk into your life and make you realize why it never worked out with anyone else... THIS IS SO TRUE. I'm so thankful for my husband. Single ladies, stop jumping around from guy to guy (especially if you have kids- dont even get me started on that!) God will send the right one at the right time."
The woman that posted this doesn't have children, and she's never been divorced. And she is EXACTLY what I mean when I say, "I hate Murray County-ans."
Ahem.
My children are the best and most important thing in my life. The love a parent feels for their child is something that can't be put into words. I held both of them in my arms after hours of labor to get them here and knew my life would never be the same. I have changed countless diapers, wiped endless snotty noses, been puked on, peed on, and lost hours and hours of sleep. I have been Santa. I have been the Tooth Fairy. I have cried as they started pre-k and Kindergarten. I have played tea party and fairies and superheroes and pirates. I have caught the stomach bugs they brought home from school and taken care of them while I was sick myself. I have held them as they cried because their feelings got hurt at school and cried because my heart was breaking as much as theirs was.
I am their mother, and these things, and more, are my job. I would give my last breath for them in a millisecond. Because I am a mom. My life is them. They are my life.
But their dad has them half the time. So half of the time, when they aren't within arms reach, I love them and worry about them and think about them from a distance, and we Skype at night so I can see their beautiful faces. But during this time "off" from being Mom, I keep living my life in the pursuit of happiness. And guess what? That means I date.
We've already established that I'm terrible at it. I almost always go for the wrong kind of guy, and it usually crashes and burns within a couple of months because if I'm honest, commitment scares the hell out of me. I don't want another failed marriage. I don't want to fall in love again after what my heart went through last summer. So with the exception of one almost tragic mistake, I've kept things casual and just had fun with guys I knew weren't marriage material.
AND IM NOT SORRY. I'm a serial dater. I'm learning what I want and what I don't want, because I didn't date around at the age where most people figure it out. Do my kids meet every guy I date? No, they don't. Have they met a couple of guys in an extremely cautious and casual environment? Yes, they have.
Unfortunately, they did meet one man in a romantic and family sense, but to be fair, I was engaged to him with a ring and a dress and a deposit down on a venue. (I'm still thankful every day that God brought us out of that.)
Greenleigh looks up to me and says she wants to be just like me. I'd rather teach her that it's okay to break-up and fail than to stay in something you know isn't right for you and be miserable. Both of my kids can see how happy I am since I started this journey for my own self-discovery. This gypsy soul and hippie life work for me, and I couldn't be happier on my own.
My kids' dad is happily remarried to a woman who is great for him. (No sarcasm here. I'm serious.) He and his new wife have been together for well over a year and a half now. Between the two of them, they have five kids. He's happy, and you can tell because it radiates from him. My kids see how happy they are in a positive and loving relationship, and I'm thankful for that. I'm also thankful that the three of us get along.
But I don't want to be Carol Brady just yet. I married Tyler three days after my 20th birthday and we divorced right before I turned 25. I'm not even 27 yet. I feel like I owe myself a few more selfish years of figuring out who Lindsey is before I decide to give my life to anyone else again. Anyone other than these two Tiny Humans who still call me Mommy.
We're all just trying to make it here in this crazy world, and this Single Mom and Serial Dater is doing the best she can. Every night I lay down with my two, they hug me as tight as they can and say over and over, "Mommy, we love you more than you'll ever imagine. You're the best mom in the whole world."
Their opinions of me matter. The opinions of others do not.
So, Miss "Don't Even Get Me Started", as you attend church this morning with your first and only husband (so far), and you have yet to EVER pack a diaper bag when you leave the house, I hope you choke on a peppermint. I know your status wasn't directed at me, but I'm not the only one who saw it. I just want you to know that you sound like a condescending, arrogant, judgmental and ignorant bitch, and you should pull your head out of your ass.
If and when you have kids of your own and your marriage fails after two rounds of counseling trying to save it, if and when you have been broken so much you can literally feel your heart shatter, and when you miss your kids so much sometimes you feel like you can't breathe, I hope you find some sort of comfort somewhere. If that happens to be in dating around to figure out what you want, I hope you do so. And I hope no one ever tries to talk down at you for it.
This morning, I woke up and took the kids to Mcdonald's so they could play on the playground. While they were playing, I opened Facebook and began scrolling and reading. Moms aren't ready for school to start, someone got flowers, there's some pictures up from Iris last night, a friend of mine is expecting twins.... Then I read this:
"One day someone will walk into your life and make you realize why it never worked out with anyone else... THIS IS SO TRUE. I'm so thankful for my husband. Single ladies, stop jumping around from guy to guy (especially if you have kids- dont even get me started on that!) God will send the right one at the right time."
The woman that posted this doesn't have children, and she's never been divorced. And she is EXACTLY what I mean when I say, "I hate Murray County-ans."
Ahem.
My children are the best and most important thing in my life. The love a parent feels for their child is something that can't be put into words. I held both of them in my arms after hours of labor to get them here and knew my life would never be the same. I have changed countless diapers, wiped endless snotty noses, been puked on, peed on, and lost hours and hours of sleep. I have been Santa. I have been the Tooth Fairy. I have cried as they started pre-k and Kindergarten. I have played tea party and fairies and superheroes and pirates. I have caught the stomach bugs they brought home from school and taken care of them while I was sick myself. I have held them as they cried because their feelings got hurt at school and cried because my heart was breaking as much as theirs was.
I am their mother, and these things, and more, are my job. I would give my last breath for them in a millisecond. Because I am a mom. My life is them. They are my life.
But their dad has them half the time. So half of the time, when they aren't within arms reach, I love them and worry about them and think about them from a distance, and we Skype at night so I can see their beautiful faces. But during this time "off" from being Mom, I keep living my life in the pursuit of happiness. And guess what? That means I date.
We've already established that I'm terrible at it. I almost always go for the wrong kind of guy, and it usually crashes and burns within a couple of months because if I'm honest, commitment scares the hell out of me. I don't want another failed marriage. I don't want to fall in love again after what my heart went through last summer. So with the exception of one almost tragic mistake, I've kept things casual and just had fun with guys I knew weren't marriage material.
AND IM NOT SORRY. I'm a serial dater. I'm learning what I want and what I don't want, because I didn't date around at the age where most people figure it out. Do my kids meet every guy I date? No, they don't. Have they met a couple of guys in an extremely cautious and casual environment? Yes, they have.
Unfortunately, they did meet one man in a romantic and family sense, but to be fair, I was engaged to him with a ring and a dress and a deposit down on a venue. (I'm still thankful every day that God brought us out of that.)
Greenleigh looks up to me and says she wants to be just like me. I'd rather teach her that it's okay to break-up and fail than to stay in something you know isn't right for you and be miserable. Both of my kids can see how happy I am since I started this journey for my own self-discovery. This gypsy soul and hippie life work for me, and I couldn't be happier on my own.
My kids' dad is happily remarried to a woman who is great for him. (No sarcasm here. I'm serious.) He and his new wife have been together for well over a year and a half now. Between the two of them, they have five kids. He's happy, and you can tell because it radiates from him. My kids see how happy they are in a positive and loving relationship, and I'm thankful for that. I'm also thankful that the three of us get along.
But I don't want to be Carol Brady just yet. I married Tyler three days after my 20th birthday and we divorced right before I turned 25. I'm not even 27 yet. I feel like I owe myself a few more selfish years of figuring out who Lindsey is before I decide to give my life to anyone else again. Anyone other than these two Tiny Humans who still call me Mommy.
We're all just trying to make it here in this crazy world, and this Single Mom and Serial Dater is doing the best she can. Every night I lay down with my two, they hug me as tight as they can and say over and over, "Mommy, we love you more than you'll ever imagine. You're the best mom in the whole world."
Their opinions of me matter. The opinions of others do not.
So, Miss "Don't Even Get Me Started", as you attend church this morning with your first and only husband (so far), and you have yet to EVER pack a diaper bag when you leave the house, I hope you choke on a peppermint. I know your status wasn't directed at me, but I'm not the only one who saw it. I just want you to know that you sound like a condescending, arrogant, judgmental and ignorant bitch, and you should pull your head out of your ass.
If and when you have kids of your own and your marriage fails after two rounds of counseling trying to save it, if and when you have been broken so much you can literally feel your heart shatter, and when you miss your kids so much sometimes you feel like you can't breathe, I hope you find some sort of comfort somewhere. If that happens to be in dating around to figure out what you want, I hope you do so. And I hope no one ever tries to talk down at you for it.
Friday, August 14, 2015
You can't be the pretty white girl with the good-looking black dude.
It seems like every time I post one of these, I get all kinds of feedback from people on Facebook and I feel all fluttery inside. For whatever reason, I can write. Maybe it's because I was gifted with the gift of gab. Anyway.
I don't post a lot. It's not that I don't have a lot to say- trust me, I do. But I was so afraid that what I was going to say would offend people that I would never go public with it.
I posted my last blog in January with a promise to take this year to even further discover who I am and make myself happy. Eight months into 2015, I feel like I've made good on that promise to myself. I am happy. But with that discovery, I've no longer decided to care what anyone thinks of what I have to say. So here's my new unfiltered blog. Sometimes I cuss and I'm almost never politically correct. Get over it or close your window.
So my topic, I guess you would call it, for the day is all over the media and it's run into the ground- racism. But hang on, because I'm about to blow your mind.
IT EXISTS FOR EVERY COLOR. I've known this for a while, but recent experiences have brought it to the front of my brain again.
Last January, I was sitting outside Iris in Atlanta when a black dude maybe three inches taller than me came up to me and asked if I'd ever been there before because I looked new. He wasn't hitting on me or being inappropriate; Dude was just making conversation. Then he said, "My name is Chris."
As we were chatting, he told me he mixed cheer music for a living (which is really cool- I don't care who you are) and that he lived in Columbus and used to cheer for CSU. Apparently the friends he was at the club with were fellow CSU cheerleaders, and he asked if I wanted to meet them.
Duh, right?
We approached the group and I recognized a tall, stocky white boy instantly. His name was Tommy, and we had gone to high school together. I had known him for years. In Lindsey's brain, this group from Columbus must be alright because Tommy wouldn't hang out with bad people. I was instantly comfortable, and I kept in touch with these guys on a weekly-ish basis and saw them at least once a month for the next five months.
Fast forward to May. I'm hanging out with friends in Newnan, which isn't extremely far away from Columbus. I text Chris, we make plans to go get lunch. He showed me an awesome BBQ joint and then we went to hang out with Tommy, his girlfriend, and a few other people from the clique down there. They were so much fun and just entertaining to be around, and I was so at ease, I stopped seeing color. I didn't notice who was black and who was white anymore.
So one night when Chris put his arm around me, I didn't think twice about it. The first time he kissed me, it was the same as every other first kiss of my life- fast heartbeat, sweaty hands, the whole nine yards. I never even thought twice. We had known each other long enough that the color of our skin didn't even cross my mind.
Until other people made it an issue.
It's New Year's Day 2015 and Chris and I have rung in the year in Atlanta. Benihana is across the street and we both love sushi, so we decide to go there for lunch. It's a really small lobby, and it's packed so full there's only room for us to stand. I start noticing the women around us giving me dirty looks and whispering to each other. I feel Chris put his hand on my back protectively and I hear them whisper something about "white girl". That's when I noticed I was the only white person in the entire restaurant. I guess I should mention here that Chris is the most well-dressed man in the restaurant as well, and I'd bet my last dollar he was the most well-spoken. He talks more proper than I do. So anyway. These people kept on for so long that Chris finally looked at me and said, "Do you want to leave?"
And we did.
On our way down the street, I was so confused by what their problem was. Wasn't it supposed to be dumb white rednecks giving HIM shit for being with me? That's when he kind of smiled at me and said, "You can't be a pretty white girl with a good-looking black dude. They don't like that."
When Chris and I reconnected a few months ago, I called my dad and figured I would get the race card out of the way. To be honest, I didn't know how he would react. My dad grew up in South Murray County and we have never talked about dating anybody of another race, because it just never came up. So, I told Dad all about Chris. Where he went to school, where he grew up, what he does for a living, how many brothers he has, that he has a Pomeranian named Sheila, how long I'd known him, the works. Then I said, "I just wanted to tell you about him because I'm sure you've already heard I've got pictures with a black guy on Facebook."
My dad said, "So what does it matter what color he is?" And I smiled. Because it doesn't.
I can post a picture with the next douchebag I meet from Dalton and within 24 hours it'll have 22 likes and three comments about how adorable we are. Chris has stood by me through every single one of those mistakes, and he still answers my calls. When we FINALLY get a picture together where we don't have to filter the shit out of it so that he isn't blending in to the sky and I don't look like a freaking ghost with no facial features, it might get six likes. That's just the way it is. Nobody likes the pretty white girls with the good looking black dudes.
This past weekend, I went to Columbus to visit. We were out to eat at a restaurant downtown on Sunday, and our waitress was a young light-skinned girl. We both ordered sweet tea to drink. Chris always had a full glass, and I never got a refill. It was so blatantly ridiculous.
Over the past year and a half, we both have felt situations like this, but his feelings aren't mine to tell. In fact, this isn't even ABOUT us. Or me. Or him. I just wanted to let everyone know that racism is out there for both blacks AND whites, and interracial couples are still an issue.
It's 2015. When is this going to stop?
I don't post a lot. It's not that I don't have a lot to say- trust me, I do. But I was so afraid that what I was going to say would offend people that I would never go public with it.
I posted my last blog in January with a promise to take this year to even further discover who I am and make myself happy. Eight months into 2015, I feel like I've made good on that promise to myself. I am happy. But with that discovery, I've no longer decided to care what anyone thinks of what I have to say. So here's my new unfiltered blog. Sometimes I cuss and I'm almost never politically correct. Get over it or close your window.
So my topic, I guess you would call it, for the day is all over the media and it's run into the ground- racism. But hang on, because I'm about to blow your mind.
IT EXISTS FOR EVERY COLOR. I've known this for a while, but recent experiences have brought it to the front of my brain again.
Last January, I was sitting outside Iris in Atlanta when a black dude maybe three inches taller than me came up to me and asked if I'd ever been there before because I looked new. He wasn't hitting on me or being inappropriate; Dude was just making conversation. Then he said, "My name is Chris."
As we were chatting, he told me he mixed cheer music for a living (which is really cool- I don't care who you are) and that he lived in Columbus and used to cheer for CSU. Apparently the friends he was at the club with were fellow CSU cheerleaders, and he asked if I wanted to meet them.
Duh, right?
We approached the group and I recognized a tall, stocky white boy instantly. His name was Tommy, and we had gone to high school together. I had known him for years. In Lindsey's brain, this group from Columbus must be alright because Tommy wouldn't hang out with bad people. I was instantly comfortable, and I kept in touch with these guys on a weekly-ish basis and saw them at least once a month for the next five months.
Fast forward to May. I'm hanging out with friends in Newnan, which isn't extremely far away from Columbus. I text Chris, we make plans to go get lunch. He showed me an awesome BBQ joint and then we went to hang out with Tommy, his girlfriend, and a few other people from the clique down there. They were so much fun and just entertaining to be around, and I was so at ease, I stopped seeing color. I didn't notice who was black and who was white anymore.
So one night when Chris put his arm around me, I didn't think twice about it. The first time he kissed me, it was the same as every other first kiss of my life- fast heartbeat, sweaty hands, the whole nine yards. I never even thought twice. We had known each other long enough that the color of our skin didn't even cross my mind.
Until other people made it an issue.
It's New Year's Day 2015 and Chris and I have rung in the year in Atlanta. Benihana is across the street and we both love sushi, so we decide to go there for lunch. It's a really small lobby, and it's packed so full there's only room for us to stand. I start noticing the women around us giving me dirty looks and whispering to each other. I feel Chris put his hand on my back protectively and I hear them whisper something about "white girl". That's when I noticed I was the only white person in the entire restaurant. I guess I should mention here that Chris is the most well-dressed man in the restaurant as well, and I'd bet my last dollar he was the most well-spoken. He talks more proper than I do. So anyway. These people kept on for so long that Chris finally looked at me and said, "Do you want to leave?"
And we did.
On our way down the street, I was so confused by what their problem was. Wasn't it supposed to be dumb white rednecks giving HIM shit for being with me? That's when he kind of smiled at me and said, "You can't be a pretty white girl with a good-looking black dude. They don't like that."
When Chris and I reconnected a few months ago, I called my dad and figured I would get the race card out of the way. To be honest, I didn't know how he would react. My dad grew up in South Murray County and we have never talked about dating anybody of another race, because it just never came up. So, I told Dad all about Chris. Where he went to school, where he grew up, what he does for a living, how many brothers he has, that he has a Pomeranian named Sheila, how long I'd known him, the works. Then I said, "I just wanted to tell you about him because I'm sure you've already heard I've got pictures with a black guy on Facebook."
My dad said, "So what does it matter what color he is?" And I smiled. Because it doesn't.
I can post a picture with the next douchebag I meet from Dalton and within 24 hours it'll have 22 likes and three comments about how adorable we are. Chris has stood by me through every single one of those mistakes, and he still answers my calls. When we FINALLY get a picture together where we don't have to filter the shit out of it so that he isn't blending in to the sky and I don't look like a freaking ghost with no facial features, it might get six likes. That's just the way it is. Nobody likes the pretty white girls with the good looking black dudes.
This past weekend, I went to Columbus to visit. We were out to eat at a restaurant downtown on Sunday, and our waitress was a young light-skinned girl. We both ordered sweet tea to drink. Chris always had a full glass, and I never got a refill. It was so blatantly ridiculous.
Over the past year and a half, we both have felt situations like this, but his feelings aren't mine to tell. In fact, this isn't even ABOUT us. Or me. Or him. I just wanted to let everyone know that racism is out there for both blacks AND whites, and interracial couples are still an issue.
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