23 and 27

I feel like every time I begin one of these blogs, I start off the same way. I don't know why I don't write more. I really do have a lot to say- if you've ever met me, you know this. I never shut up. The truth is, I write when I'm feeling upbeat and optimistic and positive about life, and when something terrible happens, I shut down. I don't know how to express pain very well, and it's not something people like to talk about. Divorce? Losing a pregnancy? Nobody wants to hear about that stuff. I just bottle it up, and I sort through it on my own the best I can.

There's no particular reason that I decided to open my computer this morning. It's been over a year since I've even tried to write something. Maybe it's because I'm feeling older (and gradually wiser) by the day as 28 rapidly approaches. I had a girl from my hometown inbox me a little over a month ago. Her message read, "Hey girly, are you not blogging anymore? I enjoy reading them. They helped me out a lot." I told her that day that I had hung it up for personal reasons. What I didn't tell her was that I almost choked on my drink. I helped you out? That's crazy to me. Sometimes I feel like my life is the biggest messy circus, and when I put it out there for the world to see I'm going to regret it eventually. You name it, I've probably messed up somehow, someway, related to whatever comes out of your mouth. I don't know how that could help anybody, except to tell them what not to do.

Which is maybe, just maybe, worth writing again.

When I was 23 years old, my friend Ashley and I were on the phone. She was four years older than me, and she had grown up with my ex-husband. She said something to me that day that I will never forget in my life.
"There is such a big difference between 23 and 27, Lindsey. I can't even begin to tell you. The way you see things changes. Just wait. When you're 27, call me, and tell me if I'm right."

I'll be 28 in two weeks. I feel every single bit of it. My knees have started to hurt every time I stand up (my dad says this comes from his side of the family), I have carpel tunnel in my left wrist, and when I got my hair cut the other day the stylist told me I have grey hair coming in. This year hit me harder than most, for a lot of reasons, and I guess I was about halfway through 27 years old when I realized that Ashley was 100% correct. A tremendous amount of things change between 23 and 27.

These are some of the changes I made that I thought were worth sharing.

1. I stopped caring so much about what people thought. That's hard to do when you're going through a divorce and a custody battle, or when you're in circles in a town full of people that love to gossip. I separated myself from those people. Period. I spent months- I mean months, y'all- trying to look like I had my shit together- for my ex-husband, for his family, for my family, for my friends, for Facebook- it was absolutely exhausting. I was almost as miserable as I was at the end of my marriage. Had I done all of that for nothing? Why was I working so hard to impress people who were never going to change their opinions of me? I was running myself ragged. So just like that, I stopped. I chose to be alone rather than go out and be around fake people or people I had to be fake around. I chose to NOT post a status, rather than post some fake line of bullshit about how thankful or blessed I am.

2. I got better friends. I surrounded myself with people that made me laugh and made me feel good about myself and about life, no matter what their social status was. It's amazing what it did for my emotional health. When you find people that love you- I mean really love you- and those people prove that they won't leave your side no matter how bad it gets- you start to feel a sense of self-worth that you can't get on your own. I remember thinking about one of my best friends, "God, I am so lucky she hasn't run away screaming yet. Girls like her are rare." When I express these thoughts to her, she comes back at me with reassurance that she thinks the same of me. We've never been catty or jealous, and there is no drama. I can't even begin to describe to you how nice it is to have a friendship like that.

3. I stopped listening to country music so much. Seriously, I had to quit it. Most of it is depressing, or has some memory tied to it. Music affects my moods, a lot. I noticed it would happen at the beginning of my EDM days. When I would listen to Krewella or Nervo, I'd be dancing around, singing into a hairbrush and headbanging. If I turned on Luke Bryan radio, I'd end up crying or almost in tears every time, either over a memory or my kids or my dad or my mom... it was ridiculous. I quit it cold turkey for a long time, until someone told me about this man named Sam Hunt, who actually has a build and a drop in one of his songs (insert heart-eyed emojis here), but I even limit how much I listen to that.

4. I learned that not everything has to have an immediate reaction. I feel like this might be the biggest lesson I've learned in life so far. Let me say it again- not everything has to have an immediate reaction. I think most girls get their psycho labels when we flip our switches because something didn't go the way we wanted right off the rip. I learned that if I just bit my tongue, no matter how hard it was, and did the whole "be a better person" thing and waited, things would eventually go the way they needed to in the long run. Example 1: About two weeks ago I asked my ex-husband Tyler and his wife Brittany if I would be able to take my kids trick or treating on Halloween since the kids will be at their house. Their answer two weeks ago was, "We'll see." Two years ago, I would have blown my top and said something along the lines of they were my children and I would take them trick or treating if I wanted to, who did they think they were? Instead, I just said, "Okay, please let me know a few days in advance." Brittany called me two nights ago and asked if my boyfriend and I just wanted to meet them at their house and we all go trick-or-treating together with the kids. A better situation than I could have asked or prayed for, and it happened because I didn't lose my temper or demand an answer right there in that moment two weeks ago. Example 2: Andrew. Lord, help. If you know me at all, you know what I mean by that, but if you don't, let me explain. I knew I was in love with this man at the end of the summer last year, but we'd only casually dated and broken up after a couple of months. He still wanted me around, but he didn't want to put a label on things, and sometimes he wouldn't talk to me for weeks at a time. Instead of pressuring him, I was just there for him. Instead of demanding he choose me or claim me, I gave him space and we each did our own things for a while. I didn't demand an immediate reaction from him, ever, and it took seven months- SEVEN excruciating and long months- for him to realize he was in love with me, too. Now we live together a little north of Atlanta and are learning together how to do life together one day at a time, and I fall in love with him a little more every day. I could go on and on with examples of this one, but I will say that I've never held my tongue and regretted it, but I have lost my cool or been demanding and felt like I missed out on something that could've been great.

5. I stopped being an attention whore. I learned it's okay to say "no" to a guy that you're not really interested in, even if you have nothing better to do. It's okay to spend Friday night alone. It's okay not to have a boyfriend/girlfriend around all the time. It's okay to be alone. It's better to be alone than to spread yourself thin with whoever's in your inbox at the time. For real. I cannot tell you how many Friday nights I spent in sweats with pretzels and hummus and Netflix on the couch. I stopped being so desperate for attention, and gave that attention to myself.

6. I started eating better. If you follow me on Instagram you know I still eat Taco Bell (a lot), but I promise, it's not as bad as you think. I stopped drinking soda every day, and started drinking water. I stopped ordering french fries and started ordering broccoli. Hell, I learned how to make my own broccoli and it's one of the best things I make nowadays. I stopped eating sweets as much. That's not to say I dont' indulge every once in a while, but I cut out the white chocolate Reese's every day. I started cooking at home more, and we switched to wheat bread. Little changes here and there have left me feeling better about my body than any diet ever has.

7. I stopped getting hammered. Seriously, I'm too old for that shit. The hangovers aren't worth it, and nobody wants to deal with me when I'm drunk anyway. I'll have a few beers every once in a while, but I can't tell you the last time I did shots. I'll leave that to the 21 year olds.

8. I traveled. With my friends, and alone. Across the country and down to Florida a few times. I made memories I'll never forget, and it was worth every dime spent. One of the best (and bravest) trips I've ever taken was going to Los Angeles alone for the first time to meet some friends out west. I'll never forget the feeling I got when I put my feet in the Pacific Ocean for the first time. It was dark, the wind was blowing, I had my jeans rolled up and my jacket around me, the water was ice cold... but man, did I feel free. I got the whole thing on video, and my best friend said it made her cry. I hope my kids do something like that for themselves one day. I'll never forget the feeling of standing with six of my best friends, holding our hands up in the air in an enormous crowd of people in a field down in Florida, with 65,000 voices all singing the same lyrics at the top of our lungs. There is no other feeling in the world like it, and I still get goosebumps when I think about it.

9. I let go. I let go of everything that I can't change and quit torturing myself over it. There was nothing I could have done to save my baby, so I had to let her go and stop driving myself insane. There's nothing I can do to change my family situation, so I let that go, too. Toxic people do not have to be in your life simply because you share genes with them. Do not let yourself fall victim to that mythology, because I drove myself mad a few times with that one. I learned to forgive, and if not forgive then just to move on, simply because carrying grudges are heavy. When you let things go, so much weight comes off your shoulders.

10. I stopped being right all the time and I started apologizing. I know, it's hard for me to believe that I can be a cold-hearted bitch sometimes too, but guess what? Sometimes I am. Sometimes I am cruel and I am mean and I can be bossy and demanding. When that happens, I have learned to apologize. I've stopped saying the words, "I'm sorry, but you..." when I apologize. I've accepted that sometimes I am wrong, and sometimes I owe people sincere apologies without a clause. Just "I'm sorry, I was wrong to do/say that." Nobody is perfect, as much as we like to think we are.

11. I put the technology down. I can't tell you how much of a difference this makes sometimes. These days technology is so cool, so advanced, and so easily accessible that it's easy to get caught up and not realize that we're missing out on life outside of a screen. I took YouTube away from my kids and we started playing board games and card games together. Andrew and I stopped watching movies every night and started painting on canvas at our kitchen table. I stopped sitting on Facebook for hours and started hiking. In turn, my kids and I have made a lot of fun memories while they are also learning. Andrew has shown me a creative side of him that I never saw before, and we have bonded in ways I didn't think we ever could. I've been at the top of a few mountains and seen some breathtaking views. I couldn't get any of that from my iPhone.

I'm not perfect, but I like to think I'm getting better at this thing called Life. I don't know if anyone ever has it all quite figured out, but I'm learning day by day. As for my friend Ashley, you know, the one who told me there's a difference between 23 and 27? I told her she was right. It made her day, and then she said, "Just hang on... Wait til you get to 30 and look back on 27."

I guess this is to be continued...