The NOPE List

I've spent a lot of time over the past few years trying to figure out what I want in a partner. Truth be told,  I still don't know. What I have been able to do, however, is create a list of "NOPE" factors that help me recognize if this dude needs to hit the road sooner rather than later.

It's hard to admit that someone you've invested time in might not be the person you thought they were after all. Personally, I hate losing, so I've got a bad habit of hanging on even when I know I should let go. I've done it in almost every single "relationship" I've been in, not just since my divorce, but ever in my life.

I should have let go the minute I recognized any of the red flags on Lindsey's List of Nopes, but I'm stubborn. Being stubborn ended up costing me a few friendships that I think could have been salvaged with a few guys that I think are great otherwise.

I'm not saying use this thing as a guideline for your own life or anything like that, but here's my list of things to consider before you get serious with the next guy who wants to take you to dinner. (I'm also talking to my future self here.)

NOPE #1: Body Shaming
One guy told me all the time, "I love that you have more fat on you than I do. I like thicker girls."

I'm aware that curves are sexy, but comparing myself to a meathead with 4% body fat is exhausting. I'm 5'3", and it's hard to maintain a body I'm proud of. If I gain even three pounds, it's noticeable. He knew my insecurities, and instead of building me up, he used them to step on in order to boost his ego a little more.

I'm just as beautiful on a day that I've eaten a Big Zax Snack as the day I've eaten nothing but salad. So are you. Don't let anyone, but especially not your significant other, make you feel otherwise. They're supposed to be the one to make you believe you're gorgeous, not make you feel like you can't have that milkshake you've been craving from Sonic. Drink the milkshake. Ditch the douchebag.

NOPE #2: Interrupting
What I have to say is important, dammit. If I'm opening up to share a story with you, it means I'm letting you in on a part of my life. Don't cut me off in the middle of it. You might just learn a thing or two if you shut up and listen.

Communication is THE single most important thing in a relationship. If your partner is constantly cutting you off or talking over you, address it. Some guys don't want a girlfriend, they want an audience. Know the difference.

NOPE #3: Lies
One guy called me on his way home one night and said his ex came into the bar he was at begging him back. When I addressed the issue with her, she had no idea what I was talking about and insisted I could call him on three-way and confront him. I did. Turns out he made the whole thing up just to make me jealous and want to "fight for him".

If he lies about stupid stuff, he'll lie about even bigger things. Send him packing.

NOPE #4: Gaslighting
If you don't know what that means, it's an old movie reference and it's used when your partner tries to convince you that you're crazy or wrong when you're not.

One morning my boyfriend's phone went off and his ex-girlfriend's name came up on his home screen. He had an iPhone and hadn't set his messages to private, so I could see what the text said. Let's just say I wasn't happy. When I asked him to open his phone (I didn't know the passcode) to show me, he fidgeted for a minute before he handed me his phone, and the message was gone.

I clearly stood there and watched him delete it, and he still argued with me for hours about whether or not it had even happened. I knew I wasn't seeing things, but I didn't have a way to get in touch with her. Later I found out exactly what I'd known the entire time.

Bottom line? (At least in this scenario) I wasn't crazy! Don't let anyone make you question what you know to be true.

NOPE #5: Anger Issues
I know everyone can lose their temper every once in a while, especially if life is stressing you out. What isn't okay is if your partner is harming you in any way, either with their words or their hands.

If he's got his nose pressed up to yours with a red face and he's gritting his teeth and balling up his fists while he's cussing at you, it's time to go. Now. Before it gets any worse.

NOPE #6: Sexual Selfishness
Don't get all weird; none of us are virgins here. Sex is really important to a relationship too, but for some reason nobody likes to talk about it.

If your man rushes or skips foreplay and hurries through the act without any concern for your satisfaction like his orgasm is more important than yours, he's selfish, and chances are he's selfish outside the bedroom as well. I have a friend that has been married for years, and she has NEVER had an orgasm. Ever. It blows my freakin' mind.

On that same subject, if he's making fun of what you like, or he's unwilling to try something you're into (within reason), or if he's pressuring you into things you aren't comfortable with, SPEAK UP! If your sex life sucks, one of you is going to be tempted to look for it elsewhere. (Trust me, I've been guilty. Not proud of it, but it happened once upon a time. It didn't end well.)

NOPE #7: Belittling Your Success
I almost married a man who hated that I brought home more money than he did after we paid our bills. He tried to get me to quit my job to come work at a carpet mill with him numerous times. He would always say, "Well I'm exhausted because I have a real job." Like the money in my bank account was Monopoly money and the hours I spent at my office weren't real.

I'm gonna stop here because I just get mad and it continues into number eight.

NOPE #8: Mooching
I'm not saying you can't pick up the check at dinner every once in a while, or treat him to a special date just because. But if you're paying for literally everything the two of you do together, it's time to evaluate where you're headed. If he's not stepping up with finances now, you're setting the pretense that it's okay for him to become dependent on you. Don't be a Sugar Mama. Send him home to his mom's house and go get your nails done.

NOPE #9: L-Bombing
If he rushes into saying those three words, chances are he's got some issues somewhere. One dude dropped it on me TEN DAYS after I first met him and then got pissed off and moped around for three days when I didn't say it back.

Love is serious. Don't say it until you're ready. Those three words meant the most they ever have to me when they came from someone who had known me for well over a year. Why? I knew it was genuine. He cared for me through all the bullshit we had been through, after he'd seen me at my best and at my absolute worst. When he finally admitted he loved me, THAT was special. Real love, love that's worth keeping, withstands time, and you don't have to rush it.

NOPE #10: Keeping You a Secret
If he's not introducing you as his girlfriend to his friends or family and you guys have crossed the line from hooking up to actually dating, it should be a huge red flag for a thousand reasons. You deserve someone who's proud to show you off and call you their girlfriend. If he's not, don't give him that privilege any longer.


Like I said, I'm not perfect.

I dated a guy for two months that I knew I didn't want to be serious with, but I let it get that way anyway. I ended up hurting him, and now he won't even speak to me. And that really sucks, because he's a great human with a good heart, and we could've been good friends.

I almost married a chameleon who pretended to be something he wasn't until he could no longer keep up the front and his true colors came bursting through. I saw almost all of these warning signs about this particular dude coming from miles away, and I ignored them until I couldn't anymore.

I'm really, really, REALLY bad at dating, but at least I know what I don't want. One day down the road, my "NOPE" list is going to lead to someone who wrote my "YEP" list and I didn't even know it. ❤

One day. Just not today!  ;)