November is my favorite month. It's full of my favorite things, like autumn leaves and caramel lattes and leggings and fried turkey and crisp winds and hues of oranges and reds everywhere. It probably helps that my birthday kicks off the month, too. Andrew asked me last night if I was ready to be 28. I think I am. 27 was hard but altogether a great learning experience for me.
That being said, you should know this blog post originally had a different form and title and direction but I changed my mind halfway through it. One thing is the same though- I'm writing this in case it helps someone deal with their own mess differently. This is not a "Look at my perfect life" post. This is a "This happened, and this is how I got through it" post.
Divorce sucks, but I am so thankful for it. Judge me all you want, I don't care. I absolutely cannot imagine what life would be like if I was still married to my kids' dad. We were both miserable, trying to force squares into circles for way too long. Now he is happily remarried with five kids between the two of them (ages 14-6), and I finally found the man who made me stop running.
Monday night was the Big Night. Brittany had invited us over for trick or treating at their house, if you remember from previous posts. Prior to Monday, I'd never been to their new house- we meet for drop-off/pick-up at a halfway point most of the time. When we arrived, Brittany's brother and sister-in-law were there with their two boys, and Tyler's mom and stepdad got there right after we did. I wanted to share with you some of the things that were worth writing about, and I'm obviously not just talking about trick or treating.
I thought it would be awkward, going to my ex-husband's house with my boyfriend, and I would be lying if I said it wasn't at first. Once we got settled in with the kids, though, it got better. Andrew painted Skyler's face (he was Optimus Prime) and I did Greenleigh's zombie prom queen hair and makeup. We were in the dining room, and it was crowded with kids. Most of them boys, all of them loud. It was a task getting my two ready, and I immediately earned a new respect for Brittany. I cannot imagine having so much going on all the time. We eventually herded all the kids outside for pictures.
While the kids were lining up, Tyler's mom made it a point to approach Andrew and tell him what a great job he did on Skyler's face paint. I appreciated that so much. She and I have always managed to maintain a good relationship, and I still accidentally call her my mother in law sometimes. Anyway, we all got pictures and then took off down the street. Tyler's mom and stepdad stayed behind to give out candy to the trick or treaters, so it was me and Andrew, Tyler and Brittany, Roxy and Matt, and about ten kids. Quite the adventure.
Another thing you should know is that prior to this I don't think Tyler and Andrew have ever exchanged words. There's never been hostility, but Tyler just is not one to approach conversation and he has always been that way. Brittany usually talks for him, and that is more than fine with me. Tyler gave me my two greatest blessings and I will never speak ill of him. He's a great dad and I'm leaving it at that. BUT. I don't hate corresponding with Brittany instead, and there has just never been a time Andrew and Tyler have had to have a conversation.
As everyone is heading to the street, I'm a few steps directly behind Andrew and he can't see me as I overhear what happens next. He stuck his right hand out to Tyler and said, "I appreciate you letting us tag along, man." Tyler shook his hand and did this thing he always does that is between a head nod and a head jerk. He said a word between "yeah" and "uh-huh". Andrew made another attempt at conversation that fell flat with Tyler (like I knew it would because he is just like that) so I stepped up quietly to his left and slipped my hand into his. I fell in love with him a little more in that moment. He will do anything in this world for me or for my kids, and I am a lucky woman.
The rest of the time was fun. Greenleigh had a friend with her from next door, and Skyler was with a squad of boys close to his age. They were running back and forth, comparing candy and racing from house to house. Brittany and I were taking turns yelling Mom-like orders like "Stay on this side of the road!" and "Don't run!" and things of that nature. Skyler ran up to me and announced "I got a Reese's!" every time he got one because he knows they are my favorite.
At one point, I heard Skyler walk up to Andrew and quietly (because he's polite and respectful of others) say, "I think I'm the awesomest one here", talking about his face paint. I watched a grin spread over my 27-year-old man's face that made my heart swell three sizes. Little moments, guys.
Halfway through our trip through the neighborhood I noticed Skyler start holding himself and doing the Potty Dance. I mentioned to Tyler that Skyler had to go, and he said, "They all have to go. We're headed back soon." Which I guess is what they have to do when there's a bunch of kids, but when Skyler is with me he is fifty percent of everything. This is another one of those moments I had to bite my tongue and respect their father- remember we talked about self-growth? Well, we made it back to their house 45 minutes later and Skyler raced upstairs holding himself when all the bathrooms downstairs were full. He emerged later holding his shorts and said, "Mommy, I had to go bad and some of it got on my shorts!" The rest of the kids were downstairs and he didn't want them to know, obviously. I try not to make a big deal out of things like this, so I said, "Just change real quick. Put your shorts in the clothes hamper. It's okay." He set off to his bedroom and I heard Greenleigh call me from across the house, so I left him to it.
I guess I assumed Skyler went downstairs, I don't know. I was in a hurry and running around gathering up face paint and makeup and hairspray. I was looking for Greenleigh again when I heard Brittany call Skyler from the bottom of the stairs. I walked to see where he was, and I saw him standing with his head hung at the top of the stairs. I quietly told her why he had changed clothes and she asked him why he didn't just take a shower. "That's my fault," I said almost too quickly. I don't know why my defense mechanisms kick in like that- she wasn't attacking my son. He was just sweaty from running around outside, and he had put on clean pajamas. I got it, but he was still my baby and he was embarrassed to even be talking about his change of clothes. "I told him to just change, I wasn't thinking about a shower," I said to her. Skyler had made his way down the stairs and in that moment he reached his arms up to me and I picked him up the same way I have since he was born and put him on my hip. I sat down in a chair with him in my lap facing me and put my forehead against his. "I'm sorry we didn't take you to go potty when you told me you needed to. That's on me, baby. Accidents happen. You're okay." My six year old baby boy was fighting back tears and breaking my heart. He took a deep breath, wrapped his arms around my neck and said, "I love you, Mommy. Do you want a Reese's?"
I am so in love with my son, y'all.
Anyway, the point of the accident story was not to throw shade in any direction. It was for all you moms out there who are afraid that your baby's daddy's new girlfriend is going to take your place or pose a threat to you or steal your children's love. The answer is no. In that moment, I was on Brittany and Tyler's territory standing next to her in her own house, and my son came to me because I am his mother and I love him unconditionally. As long as you are treating your kids with love and respect and make them feel safe, they will always know there's no place like Momma's arms. The only one with the power to take that feeling away from them is YOU- but that's a blog for another time. Brittany is an amazing stepmom to my kids and I couldn't ask for a better one. Please don't go twisting my words- if her son has been in that situation, he would've run to her, because she is his mother. I used to freak out over the thought of Brittany stepping into my role sometimes, but then I grew up and realized I should be thankful it's not Tyler in charge of matching their clothes or braiding Greenleigh's hair when they're not with me. She treats my kids the same way she treats hers, and she loves them genuinely. I am grateful for her and I respect her a lot more after Monday. There's nothing wrong with teaching your children it's okay to love and accept others into their lives. I'd rather them have two happy families than one miserable one, or two unhappy single parents who won't leave each other alone long enough to move on to find happiness.
I don't know if Tyler will ever attempt a conversation with me or Andrew on his own, or if Brittany and I will ever take a shopping trip together. I am thankful, however, for little milestones like Monday night. My kids got to spend a holiday with their parents, grandparents, aunt and uncle, cousins, and Andrew. They had a blast, and we all had fun watching them have fun. It was not about me, or Brittany, or Andrew, or Tyler. It was about those kids. Their smiles make it all worth it.
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