The kind of girl I am

If you follow my social media at all, you probably knew this post was coming since about lunch yesterday afternoon. I posted a video to share Donald Trump's tax cut proposal for mothers, and in turn I got attacked. Publicly, and privately. I got called a mean person, a bully, a liar, and I got accused of being on drugs.

I'm not here to talk about that. I'm here to clarify the kind of person I am... the kind of person that's drinking a glass of wine in my bathrobe at 10:30 a.m., knowing I have to be at work at 3.

Sometimes I yell at my boyfriend over stupid shit. Sometimes I snap on my best friend for the smallest things. Sometimes I am short tempered and I can say really cruel and carefully thought out things because I know they will cut the deepest. Sometimes I have been that raging psycho demanding that he pulls over on the side of the road and I'll just "walk home" because I'm so irrational.

I'm also the kind of person that wants to love everyone. I see people for what they can be, not what they actually are, and it's a double edged sword. I'm the girl that invites Facebook friends to real-life shit, in hopes of building stronger connections and friendships. I'm the girl whose ex-boyfriend texted her this morning  because he was having a shit day, and somehow gave him a positive outlook on life with the words I said. I'm the girl that told Andrew all about the conversation with said ex as soon as it happened. I'm the girl that had a 26 minute pleasant and "for no reason" conversation with my ex-husband's mother last night on the phone.

I'm the girl who will jump to the worst possible conclusions. I'm the girl who hates conflict but tunes into the drama anyways. I'm the girl who says "I don't care", but secretly obsesses about things. I'm the girl who had at least five awesome people backing me up all day long yesterday and today, but I'm still obsessing over that ONE friend who chose to delete me.

I'm the kind of girl who cares, deeply and more so than it makes sense to. I'm the kind of girl who is friends with my boyfriend's ex girlfriend because she was my friend first and I think he's not a reason to come between us. Im the kind of girl who argues with him about it when he hates that I talk to her. I'm the kind of friend who will testify in court for what I know to be true because it's the right thing to do. I'm the kind of girl who beats myself up over not being friends with more people in high school than I was.

I'm a mess, but I have a good heart and I am doing the best I can. I'm not perfect, but I like me. And that's saying something.

I haven't always liked me, but the past year or so, I have really enjoyed looking in the mirror and self-reflecting. I've grown, I've matured, and I'm proud of me.

People like to credit this to me "getting out" of Murray County, and maybe that has something to do with it. The human part of me, though, she likes to believe that people grow and change no matter what their environment is.

I was a snob and I never even knew it. I just repeated the actions that were modeled to me by my parents, and I feel like I missed out on a lot because of it. Please do not misquote me, I love my daddy, but my mom was not always the greatest example of how to treat other humans. I grew up never knowing what it was like to struggle. I never knew what it was like to hurt for money. I was taught never to talk to strangers, even if those strangers were people you went to school with. I am thankful that in my adult life I have been given the opportunity to reevaluate the way I treat other humans. I try to treat everyone that I come in contact with the same way that I would like to be treated, as corny as that sounds. I know what it's like to be the outsider in a group of friends, I know what it's like to feel like you'll never be good enough to fit in with a certain group of people. I know what it's like to feel like you're never enough.

In my adult life, the girl that I am now, I try to be the kind of person that speaks to strangers. I try to invite people to social gatherings that I know don't get invited to things. I try to be a good person. I'm not perfect, but I am not a bad person and I am not a bad friend. I can promise you that if you have me on your side, you will have someone that will go to bat for you and cuss others out for you if you're being bullied.

Everyone has their own flaws, but mine are nowhere near what they used to be. I have grown so much between 23 and 27, as I have stated. I know that I'm a good person, and if you're my friend, hey girl! But just know that I never post anything with malicious intentions, and I never set out to intentionally hurt someone. That is not the kind of person that I am. I know how it feels to be picked on, I know how it feels to be the outsider. I want everyone around me to feel included, loved, and worth a fucking shit.

So if somehow, someway, my video about Trump's plan for mothers has offended you, or if you have taken offense to anything I have posted politically or not politically on Facebook, I would like to take the opportunity now to apologize to you. I have never been the kind of person to pick on people, nor have I ever been the kind of person to make anyone feel excluded intentionally.

I don't even feel like I need to address the drug rumor, because it's not even worth my time. I hope everyone that reads this knows that they have a friend in me if they need it. That is my only goal from this blog post. I hope you all have a wonderful weekend.