The kids and I were walking through Town Center Mall not long ago, and they wanted to stop and see Santa. They were in sweats, and Greenleigh has been "doing her own ponytail" lately, so I almost made them wait until we could come back in decent clothes for pictures. Then I caught myself and let them be kids. Sometimes you make a small decision like that and life rewards you with something that almost punches you in the gut with emotion. I let my kids go see Santa, and they sit on his lap simulatenously as they do every year. They do everything together, and I love that. I'm standing behind the camera, so I can't hear what they're asking for. A few minutes go by and they tell Santa bye and leave through the little aisle; I meet them by the exit sign.
"What did you ask Santa for?" I ask.
Skyler exclaims excitedly, "Hot Wheels! And Monster Trucks!" He is all boy, and he is my baby. He still has a slight "baby voice" that's so sweet I could just eat him up sometimes, and his smile melts me every time. There really is no love like the love between a mother and her son. He is still teaching me about that every day.
Then Greenleigh slips her hand in mine as we start walking down the mall and smiles up at me.
"What about you, Miss Priss? Did you ask for an iPod?" She has been wanting one for a while.
Her answer was the gut punch I mentioned. "I asked him for a locket with a picture of me and you in it." I seriously do not deserve her.
I did some digging, and I found my locket from when I was a little girl. I remember I asked for one after I saw the movie "A Little Princess" that came out when I was five, so this locket is twenty-three years old. This morning I cut out our faces from a photo from her birthday and glued them to the inside. Then I wrote her a letter that I put in the box before I wrapped it up.
To the one who made me a mommy:
Growing up, I always knew I wanted to be a mom. I wanted to grow up, get married, and have babies just like my mom did. I met your dad, and it wasn't long before you came along.
I was so nervous and scared when I was pregnant with you. I was also so excited. I thought about what you would look like and what your future might hold. I prayed for you every day since the day I found out you were in my belly.
The day you came into this world was the day my life changed forever. You made me a mom. I was young, and it took me a few days to grasp what had happened. You were sleeping on the couch a few days after we brought you home when it hit me-you were my child! I loved you so much it physically hurt my heart. I just watched you sleep and I cried and cried. I am so honored that I get to be your momma.
Every moment I have spent with you has been magical, and I have loved each one more than you'll ever know. I know our path hasn't always been perfect, but I hope you know and will always know my love for you is never changing and infinite-it will never stop, no matter what is happening in life.
Sometimes I think about how fast you are growing up and it makes me want to cry, but I am so proud to watch you becoming your own person. Watching you grow has been such a blessing. It was so exciting to see you start learning-how to roll over, sit up, stand, walk, talk. I love watching you read and draw and paint. I love watching you as you discover new music and try new dance moves. I love that I get a chance to see you at school with your peers, and I can witness firsthand what a good friend you are. You have such a kind heart-that's why so many people flock to you in the halls and at lunch. I pray for your future every day, and that you will stay this way always.
I know things are changing again, and it probably won't just be me you and your brother as the Terrific Trio much longer, but I want you to know something I've never told you before.
God knew I needed you to be my first child so you could be the one to help me being the very best mommy, the mommy I have always dreamed of being. You did that. You really are "my first everything", like I always tell you. From the first time I saw you, I couldn't take my eyes off of you. You have made me a better person. From the time we brought you home from the hospital and you slept all night, to the time you first smiled at me, to the first time I heard you laugh- you have been my best friend since you were born. Watching you grow from an obsession with Elmo to an obsession with Dora, to Taylor Swift and then Harry Potter… I love watching your personality develop with your own tastes and hobbies. I pray you always follow your dreams and do things that make you happy, no matter what other people think.
Being your mother is the greatest joy in my life. Always know that I love you so much more than just to the moon and back, forever. Know that all the times I can't be there to physically hold you, Jesus can, and I would be there if I could.
No matter how life changes, you have always been and will always be my first-my first everything. We have always been growing up together, even though you don't see that now. I'm excited to see what the future holds for us.
One day you are going to grow up and have babies of your own, and maybe then you'll finally realize how much I love you and just how deep a mother's love runs. Until then, I hope time slows down just a little bit, because you're growing up way too fast. If it doesn't, just never forget-and I will never forget- you were the one who made me mom.
I talked to Santa and asked him not to bring you a locket, because I wanted you to have mine from when I was a little girl. I hope you realize one day that the flaws of time give it character, and maybe one day you will give it to your own daughter.
I love you with every bit of my heart and all of my soul.
Love,
Your mom
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