The kids and I were walking through Town Center Mall not long ago, and they wanted to stop and see Santa. They were in sweats, and Greenleigh has been "doing her own ponytail" lately, so I almost made them wait until we could come back in decent clothes for pictures. Then I caught myself and let them be kids. Sometimes you make a small decision like that and life rewards you with something that almost punches you in the gut with emotion. I let my kids go see Santa, and they sit on his lap simulatenously as they do every year. They do everything together, and I love that. I'm standing behind the camera, so I can't hear what they're asking for. A few minutes go by and they tell Santa bye and leave through the little aisle; I meet them by the exit sign.
"What did you ask Santa for?" I ask.
Skyler exclaims excitedly, "Hot Wheels! And Monster Trucks!" He is all boy, and he is my baby. He still has a slight "baby voice" that's so sweet I could just eat him up sometimes, and his smile melts me every time. There really is no love like the love between a mother and her son. He is still teaching me about that every day.
Then Greenleigh slips her hand in mine as we start walking down the mall and smiles up at me.
"What about you, Miss Priss? Did you ask for an iPod?" She has been wanting one for a while.
Her answer was the gut punch I mentioned. "I asked him for a locket with a picture of me and you in it." I seriously do not deserve her.
I did some digging, and I found my locket from when I was a little girl. I remember I asked for one after I saw the movie "A Little Princess" that came out when I was five, so this locket is twenty-three years old. This morning I cut out our faces from a photo from her birthday and glued them to the inside. Then I wrote her a letter that I put in the box before I wrapped it up.
To the one who made me a mommy:
Growing up, I always knew I wanted to be a mom. I wanted to grow up, get married, and have babies just like my mom did. I met your dad, and it wasn't long before you came along.
I was so nervous and scared when I was pregnant with you. I was also so excited. I thought about what you would look like and what your future might hold. I prayed for you every day since the day I found out you were in my belly.
The day you came into this world was the day my life changed forever. You made me a mom. I was young, and it took me a few days to grasp what had happened. You were sleeping on the couch a few days after we brought you home when it hit me-you were my child! I loved you so much it physically hurt my heart. I just watched you sleep and I cried and cried. I am so honored that I get to be your momma.
Every moment I have spent with you has been magical, and I have loved each one more than you'll ever know. I know our path hasn't always been perfect, but I hope you know and will always know my love for you is never changing and infinite-it will never stop, no matter what is happening in life.
Sometimes I think about how fast you are growing up and it makes me want to cry, but I am so proud to watch you becoming your own person. Watching you grow has been such a blessing. It was so exciting to see you start learning-how to roll over, sit up, stand, walk, talk. I love watching you read and draw and paint. I love watching you as you discover new music and try new dance moves. I love that I get a chance to see you at school with your peers, and I can witness firsthand what a good friend you are. You have such a kind heart-that's why so many people flock to you in the halls and at lunch. I pray for your future every day, and that you will stay this way always.
I know things are changing again, and it probably won't just be me you and your brother as the Terrific Trio much longer, but I want you to know something I've never told you before.
God knew I needed you to be my first child so you could be the one to help me being the very best mommy, the mommy I have always dreamed of being. You did that. You really are "my first everything", like I always tell you. From the first time I saw you, I couldn't take my eyes off of you. You have made me a better person. From the time we brought you home from the hospital and you slept all night, to the time you first smiled at me, to the first time I heard you laugh- you have been my best friend since you were born. Watching you grow from an obsession with Elmo to an obsession with Dora, to Taylor Swift and then Harry Potter… I love watching your personality develop with your own tastes and hobbies. I pray you always follow your dreams and do things that make you happy, no matter what other people think.
Being your mother is the greatest joy in my life. Always know that I love you so much more than just to the moon and back, forever. Know that all the times I can't be there to physically hold you, Jesus can, and I would be there if I could.
No matter how life changes, you have always been and will always be my first-my first everything. We have always been growing up together, even though you don't see that now. I'm excited to see what the future holds for us.
One day you are going to grow up and have babies of your own, and maybe then you'll finally realize how much I love you and just how deep a mother's love runs. Until then, I hope time slows down just a little bit, because you're growing up way too fast. If it doesn't, just never forget-and I will never forget- you were the one who made me mom.
I talked to Santa and asked him not to bring you a locket, because I wanted you to have mine from when I was a little girl. I hope you realize one day that the flaws of time give it character, and maybe one day you will give it to your own daughter.
I love you with every bit of my heart and all of my soul.
Love,
Your mom
Tuesday, December 20, 2016
Friday, December 16, 2016
The Christmas Tree
Ninety percent of the time when I sit down to write inspired like this, it's because of a conversation I've had with someone on social media. This post comes from two different conversations-one out of the blue message from someone about how happy I seem; the other was a pretty in-depth conversation with a friend I've known since childhood. She was encouraging me to tell more of my stories, and we were having a conversation I have with everyone about needing a filter and never knowing where to draw the line. She told me to write anyway, and so have a lot of people. That in mind... I know life is not always hard on everyone because not everyone has been a complete idiot sometimes. But in case life seems to have been kicking your ass lately, this post is for you.
It took the Christmas tree for me. We had it decorated, in our new house that we are still moving into, and it was lighting up the living room with presents underneath it. That was the first time, if ever, that I have been 100% happy, content, and certain of everything in my life. I don't mean everything is perfect, I mean I am happy. A lot of that has to do with Andrew, but I also would not be with Andrew had I not learned to love myself first, with a lot of mistakes along the way.
Almost four years ago, my life was turned upside down and inside out. Part of it was my doing, part of it was life circumstances, and part of it was other people's actions that I've had to forgive. On New Year's Day of 2013, Tyler and I separated for good. It had been coming since he left me the first time two years before that, so it wasn't that big of a surprise. It also wasn't a surprise because I had an affair. Life is not always rainbows and butterflies, and this is not a part of my story that I'm proud of, but it is part of it.
I'm not going to go into details because those details don't matter, but I learned so much from it all now that I'm on the other side of it. The biggest lesson I learned is what love is not. I'll never say I shouldn't have married Tyler because if I hadn't I wouldn't have my children and I wouldn't be where I am. But I never loved Tyler for the right reasons, and I especially didn't love him enough after he left and gave me the opportunity to be 22 years old. I was selfish, I was young, and I made stupid decisions. Those decisions cost me my family in the long run. I basically went from a stay at home mother of a two and three year old, to a part time B-role parent. That alone nearly killed me. I didn't miss Tyler at all, but not being with my kids was the most devastating thing that's ever happened to me. It's been four years, and I've had to fight my way tooth and nail to get to where we are. Where we are isn't where I want to be, but it's better than where we were.
When Tyler and I split up, I dated. A lot. I seemed to have a time limit of about three months or so, but after that I was over it. Someone that helped raise me once told me that I get bored with people, and she wasn't wrong. Right after our divorce was finalized, I began to party on the weekends when the kids were with their dad. I felt robbed of so much-my kids, my life, my younger years. I did a lot of things people do when they're 21 when I was 25 years old. I call 2014 "The Lost Year", even though that phase didn't last an entire year. I never did anything to jeopardize my kids, so please don't preach to me after you read this. I learned a lot that year, though, but that's a story (or stories) for another time.
Through a girlfriend I met in Atlanta, I met Andrew. He was actually dating her at the time, and of course it would be my luck to end up with the man who started out dating one of my best friends. They broke up a month before he and I went out, and we definitely went out for all the wrong reasons at first. She and I didn't talk for over a year when she found out. (I told you there are parts of my story that I'm not proud of.) After our first date, though, there was something about him that kept drawing me to know him and risk everything. To this day I can't quite tell you, other than my soul just knew. I didn't care what the rules were and I didn't care what people would think, I just wanted him in my life. From where I'm sitting now, I know why, but then I didn't. Now, the girl and I are friends again and she admits we couldn't be more perfect for each other.
Our relationship wasn't easy at first and it hasn't been an easy path to get to where we are. We started dating, and he started running. I couldn't understand why, and seven months later he told me that it took him that long to realize I wasn't like any of his ex-girlfriends. This moment came when I was having an anxiety attack in our tent at Okeechobee Music Festival. It was his first festival, and he had only been to one show with me before that night. R L Grime was coming onstage in 20 minutes, and we were a 30 minute walk from the stage. I started bawling-not because I wanted to see R L Grime, I had seen him before. I just wanted Andrew to have a perfect night, and I was so upset because I was the reason we were so far away. He said in that moment he realized how much I truly loved him, but to me it was absolutely awful… Until he took me by the hand, pulled me up, and we ran all the way back to the stage and made it there before the opening song ended. We danced the entire set, then both of us saw Bassnectar for the first time an hour later.
We still fight and argue over stupid shit, like which exit to take and what we're having for dinner, but I love him madly. Not one time when Andrew and I have been together have I even been tempted by the idea of another man, and it's no secret that I have had commitment issues. It's not even a temptation, it just doesn't exist in my mind. He is literally my best friend-the one I can count on for anything I need in the world. He works hard for us, and he reminds me so much of my dad. I believe the hard paths we both have had in our pasts are what make us so strong for each other, and I am proud to be his. I couldn't ask for a better relationship than he has with Greenleigh and Skyler, either. They adore him as much as he adores them and I've got tears in my eyes just typing this because I do not deserve it at all but somehow here I am. We just got a house across town from my kids' dad, and we're having both of our families here for Christmas.
I guess what I'm saying is that if you're going through some hard shit, no matter what it is, do not give up. I spent four years in some really dark places with the fakest smile on my face surrounded by people just for the sake of not being alone. Push through, find any sort of hope to cling to. Do the right thing, but also follow your soul. Be kind to people, because you never know what's really going on in their world. If you're a mom and you're in a situation where you're dealing with divorce or custody stuff, just know the best thing you can do is to just love your babies as much as you can and as often as you can. Be there. I mean really be there- put your phone down and play the annoying games. Every time you can. Kids are so perceptive and pick up on so much more than we realize- my own have taught me that.
All my life I've heard the phrase, "when you know, you know". That was the feeling I had when I was looking at my Christmas tree as I realize how much things have changed from year to year since the year that everything changed. If you're having a shitty Christmas this year, I've been there. Three times. It gets better. This year seems almost too good to be true, and two years ago I didn't even get out of bed til 6 pm. All those nights I felt like giving up, I am really glad I didn't. All the times I wanted to run away, I'm really glad I stayed. All the things I swore I couldn't forgive myself for, I am really glad I finally did. Everything broken can be made whole again. Just hang on.
It took the Christmas tree for me. We had it decorated, in our new house that we are still moving into, and it was lighting up the living room with presents underneath it. That was the first time, if ever, that I have been 100% happy, content, and certain of everything in my life. I don't mean everything is perfect, I mean I am happy. A lot of that has to do with Andrew, but I also would not be with Andrew had I not learned to love myself first, with a lot of mistakes along the way.
Almost four years ago, my life was turned upside down and inside out. Part of it was my doing, part of it was life circumstances, and part of it was other people's actions that I've had to forgive. On New Year's Day of 2013, Tyler and I separated for good. It had been coming since he left me the first time two years before that, so it wasn't that big of a surprise. It also wasn't a surprise because I had an affair. Life is not always rainbows and butterflies, and this is not a part of my story that I'm proud of, but it is part of it.
I'm not going to go into details because those details don't matter, but I learned so much from it all now that I'm on the other side of it. The biggest lesson I learned is what love is not. I'll never say I shouldn't have married Tyler because if I hadn't I wouldn't have my children and I wouldn't be where I am. But I never loved Tyler for the right reasons, and I especially didn't love him enough after he left and gave me the opportunity to be 22 years old. I was selfish, I was young, and I made stupid decisions. Those decisions cost me my family in the long run. I basically went from a stay at home mother of a two and three year old, to a part time B-role parent. That alone nearly killed me. I didn't miss Tyler at all, but not being with my kids was the most devastating thing that's ever happened to me. It's been four years, and I've had to fight my way tooth and nail to get to where we are. Where we are isn't where I want to be, but it's better than where we were.
When Tyler and I split up, I dated. A lot. I seemed to have a time limit of about three months or so, but after that I was over it. Someone that helped raise me once told me that I get bored with people, and she wasn't wrong. Right after our divorce was finalized, I began to party on the weekends when the kids were with their dad. I felt robbed of so much-my kids, my life, my younger years. I did a lot of things people do when they're 21 when I was 25 years old. I call 2014 "The Lost Year", even though that phase didn't last an entire year. I never did anything to jeopardize my kids, so please don't preach to me after you read this. I learned a lot that year, though, but that's a story (or stories) for another time.
Through a girlfriend I met in Atlanta, I met Andrew. He was actually dating her at the time, and of course it would be my luck to end up with the man who started out dating one of my best friends. They broke up a month before he and I went out, and we definitely went out for all the wrong reasons at first. She and I didn't talk for over a year when she found out. (I told you there are parts of my story that I'm not proud of.) After our first date, though, there was something about him that kept drawing me to know him and risk everything. To this day I can't quite tell you, other than my soul just knew. I didn't care what the rules were and I didn't care what people would think, I just wanted him in my life. From where I'm sitting now, I know why, but then I didn't. Now, the girl and I are friends again and she admits we couldn't be more perfect for each other.
Our relationship wasn't easy at first and it hasn't been an easy path to get to where we are. We started dating, and he started running. I couldn't understand why, and seven months later he told me that it took him that long to realize I wasn't like any of his ex-girlfriends. This moment came when I was having an anxiety attack in our tent at Okeechobee Music Festival. It was his first festival, and he had only been to one show with me before that night. R L Grime was coming onstage in 20 minutes, and we were a 30 minute walk from the stage. I started bawling-not because I wanted to see R L Grime, I had seen him before. I just wanted Andrew to have a perfect night, and I was so upset because I was the reason we were so far away. He said in that moment he realized how much I truly loved him, but to me it was absolutely awful… Until he took me by the hand, pulled me up, and we ran all the way back to the stage and made it there before the opening song ended. We danced the entire set, then both of us saw Bassnectar for the first time an hour later.
We still fight and argue over stupid shit, like which exit to take and what we're having for dinner, but I love him madly. Not one time when Andrew and I have been together have I even been tempted by the idea of another man, and it's no secret that I have had commitment issues. It's not even a temptation, it just doesn't exist in my mind. He is literally my best friend-the one I can count on for anything I need in the world. He works hard for us, and he reminds me so much of my dad. I believe the hard paths we both have had in our pasts are what make us so strong for each other, and I am proud to be his. I couldn't ask for a better relationship than he has with Greenleigh and Skyler, either. They adore him as much as he adores them and I've got tears in my eyes just typing this because I do not deserve it at all but somehow here I am. We just got a house across town from my kids' dad, and we're having both of our families here for Christmas.
I guess what I'm saying is that if you're going through some hard shit, no matter what it is, do not give up. I spent four years in some really dark places with the fakest smile on my face surrounded by people just for the sake of not being alone. Push through, find any sort of hope to cling to. Do the right thing, but also follow your soul. Be kind to people, because you never know what's really going on in their world. If you're a mom and you're in a situation where you're dealing with divorce or custody stuff, just know the best thing you can do is to just love your babies as much as you can and as often as you can. Be there. I mean really be there- put your phone down and play the annoying games. Every time you can. Kids are so perceptive and pick up on so much more than we realize- my own have taught me that.
All my life I've heard the phrase, "when you know, you know". That was the feeling I had when I was looking at my Christmas tree as I realize how much things have changed from year to year since the year that everything changed. If you're having a shitty Christmas this year, I've been there. Three times. It gets better. This year seems almost too good to be true, and two years ago I didn't even get out of bed til 6 pm. All those nights I felt like giving up, I am really glad I didn't. All the times I wanted to run away, I'm really glad I stayed. All the things I swore I couldn't forgive myself for, I am really glad I finally did. Everything broken can be made whole again. Just hang on.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)