Life Out There

I’ve had this post in my heart for a while, and I’ve kept mentally adding to it until I felt it was ready. This one is special to me and dear to my heart, and I want to deliver every word correctly and not misspeak. Sometimes I feel like I’m living a double life. I live and work in Woodstock, but we keep to ourselves down here. Most of my friends are back home in Chatsworth and Dalton, and it’s true the only reason we are in Woodstock is for my kids. But even if I had the choice, I wouldn’t go home. It’s hard to find a balance because I love our friends and family, but my life is no longer there. I don’t exist there.

I used to say I hate Chatsworth, but that isn’t entirely true. There is just a mentality in that town (and Dalton too) that I struggled with my entire life. Growing up there was not easy for me. There was constant pressure to please everyone and at the same time no one was ever really pleased. Gossip spread like wildfire because everyone was bored and there was nothing else to do. I butted heads with my mother so much that it became unhealthy and abusive, and by the time I was seventeen I knew that I wouldn’t stay one minute longer than I had to. I chose Canton because my aunt lived there, and my senior year I was driving to her house every weekend I had the chance. I began to make friends there, and the more I did the more I dreaded the drive back over 136 into Murray County. I lined up a job at a sports grill next to Reinhardt College, and when we all left the Trade Center after graduation, I hit I-75 South and never looked back.

A lot of things happen to you when you move away and start a life of your own that doesn’t include El Pueblito every Thursday night or cruising Walnut Avenue blasting music with the same four people every weekend.

1. You find out who your friends are. This one was the hardest for me at first. People you saw almost all the time and would’ve sworn would be there forever slowly begin to fade away. The convenience of you being down the road wasn’t there anymore, and eventually they replace you with a new BFF. True friends will make the drive, or continue to invite you regardless of the distance. Those are the ones worth the effort.
2. You start to think for yourself. You begin to ask yourself how you REALLY feel about certain things, rather than what you’ve been told to feel your whole life. Growing up in a Southern Baptist town, everyone hates gays, abortion is murder, you’re going to hell if you don’t believe Jesus died on the cross, no other religion is relevant, and spirituality is just a bunch of hippie mumbo-jumbo for stoners. Being away from that mindset you start to ask questions. You start to think for yourself and come up with your own answers to these questions rather than what’s been pounded into your head from a pulpit by a red-faced spitting preacher.
3. You become a mystery. This is my favorite part, so much so that every time I did come into town I’d avoid the main roads and anywhere else I might see people. Folks will start to wonder about you and make up stories about what you’ve been up to. You’ll discover that most of the people speculating are the ones who will never leave, and most of them still live with their parents. Don’t let this one phase you and leave most of your life for speculation.
4. You’re suddenly a number, not a name. I love being able to go to the gas station, the grocery store, or the movies and not run into anyone I know. Call me anti-social if you want, but I hate putting on a fake smile when someone that I went to church with when I was little starts asking how my mom is doing. I can get to Kroger and back in twenty minutes if I need to here and I don’t even have to change out of my sweats.
5. You appreciate the little things about home more. There are gems in Chatsworth that I took for granted. That view of Fort Mountain and Grassy Mountain from the four lane. The Biscuit Box. The Village’s chicken casserole and cream cheese pie. The little old men in trucker hats and overalls that hold open doors for you. The country road drives down Old Highway 411. The way the courthouse looks from the lookout. French fries and milkshakes from the Big V. The way my dad’s truck smells. When I am home now, I soak these things in with appreciation every chance I get.
6. You learn your potential. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with working at a carpet mill or being a teacher, but those aren’t the only jobs in the world. Don’t ever limit yourself. When you get out of the mindset of what you’re “expected” to do, you just might find something else you love doing that could be even more rewarding.
7. You meet new people and make new friends. With these new people you will have a clean slate- there is no pre-existing opinion of you because they heard about something you did when you were fifteen. These people will love things about you that you didn’t even realize existed and they will point them out to you. You will grow to love yourself more because of this, and you will learn to love people in general more as well.
8. You “unbecome”. You unbecome all the things that you never really were to begin with. You are no longer the rumors that followed you around, or the expectation of your parents, or the homophobic fears of a religion based on fear. You unbecome, and start to be who you are.

I said earlier that I don’t want to misspeak. This isn’t pointed at anyone, and this isn’t a hate blog about Murray County. Growing up there has made me who I am today, and it has made me the person I am today at my roots. It’s the reason I say “yes sir” and “no ma’am”. It’s the reason I’m a morally good person who doesn’t steal and do meth and stay drunk all the time. It’s the reason I’m the only person in Atlanta that will hold the door open for the person behind me. It’s the reason I can get down to a country song at a tavern in Midtown. But even if it’s only for a little while, if you can, escape your small town, wherever it may be. Don’t end up in your forties wondering if there’s life out there like Reba McEntire. (That was a joke, but seriously!) Get out and experience life from a different point of view! You’ll grow and you’ll be so glad you did.

A Letter to my Firstborn

The kids and I were walking through Town Center Mall not long ago, and they wanted to stop and see Santa. They were in sweats, and Greenleigh has been "doing her own ponytail" lately, so I almost made them wait until we could come back in decent clothes for pictures. Then I caught myself and let them be kids. Sometimes you make a small decision like that and life rewards you with something that almost punches you in the gut with emotion. I let my kids go see Santa, and they sit on his lap simulatenously as they do every year. They do everything together, and I love that. I'm standing behind the camera, so I can't hear what they're asking for. A few minutes go by and they tell Santa bye and leave through the little aisle; I meet them by the exit sign.
"What did you ask Santa for?" I ask.
Skyler exclaims excitedly, "Hot Wheels! And Monster Trucks!" He is all boy, and he is my baby. He still has a slight "baby voice" that's so sweet I could just eat him up sometimes, and his smile melts me every time. There really is no love like the love between a mother and her son. He is still teaching me about that every day.
Then Greenleigh slips her hand in mine as we start walking down the mall and smiles up at me.
"What about you, Miss Priss? Did you ask for an iPod?" She has been wanting one for a while.
Her answer was the gut punch I mentioned. "I asked him for a locket with a picture of me and you in it." I seriously do not deserve her.

I did some digging, and I found my locket from when I was a little girl. I remember I asked for one after I saw the movie "A Little Princess" that came out when I was five, so this locket is twenty-three years old. This morning I cut out our faces from a photo from her birthday and glued them to the inside. Then I wrote her a letter that I put in the box before I wrapped it up.


To the one who made me a mommy:

Growing up, I always knew I wanted to be a mom. I wanted to grow up, get married, and have babies just like my mom did. I met your dad, and it wasn't long before you came along.
I was so nervous and scared when I was pregnant with you. I was also so excited. I thought about what you would look like and what your future might hold. I prayed for you every day since the day I found out you were in my belly.
The day you came into this world was the day my life changed forever. You made me a mom. I was young, and it took me a few days to grasp what had happened. You were sleeping on the couch a few days after we brought you home when it hit me-you were my child! I loved you so much it physically hurt my heart. I just watched you sleep and I cried and cried. I am so honored that I get to be your momma.
 Every moment I have spent with you has been magical, and I have loved each one more than you'll ever know. I know our path hasn't always been perfect, but I hope you know and will always know my love for you is never changing and infinite-it will never stop, no matter what is happening in life.
Sometimes I think about how fast you are growing up and it makes me want to cry, but I am so proud to watch you becoming your own person. Watching you grow has been such a blessing. It was so exciting to see you start learning-how to roll over, sit up, stand, walk, talk. I love watching you read and draw and paint. I love watching you as you discover new music and try new dance moves. I love that I get a chance to see you at school with your peers, and I can witness firsthand what a good friend you are. You have such a kind heart-that's why so many people flock to you in the halls and at lunch. I pray for your future every day, and that you will stay this way always.
I know things are changing again, and it probably won't just be me you and your brother as the Terrific Trio much longer, but I want you to know something I've never told you before.
 God knew I needed you to be my first child so you could be the one to help me being the very best mommy, the mommy I have always dreamed of being. You did that. You really are "my first everything", like I always tell you. From the first time I saw you, I couldn't take my eyes off of you. You have made me a better person. From the time we brought you home from the hospital and you slept all night, to the time you first smiled at me, to the first time I heard you laugh- you have been my best friend since you were born. Watching you grow from an obsession with Elmo to an obsession with Dora, to Taylor Swift and then Harry Potter… I love watching your personality develop with your own tastes and hobbies. I pray you always follow your dreams and do things that make you happy, no matter what other people think.
Being your mother is the greatest joy in my life. Always know that I love you so much more than just to the moon and back, forever. Know that all the times I can't be there to physically hold you, Jesus can, and I would be there if I could. 
No matter how life changes, you have always been and will always be my first-my first everything. We have always been growing up together, even though you don't see that now. I'm excited to see what the future holds for us.
One day you are going to grow up and have babies of your own, and maybe then you'll finally realize how much I love you and just how deep a mother's love runs. Until then, I hope time slows down just a little bit, because you're growing up way too fast. If it doesn't, just never forget-and I will never forget- you were the one who made me mom.
I talked to Santa and asked him not to bring you a locket, because I wanted you to have mine from when I was a little girl. I hope you realize one day that the flaws of time give it character, and maybe one day you will give it to your own daughter.

I love you with every bit of my heart and all of my soul. 

Love,
Your mom

The Christmas Tree

Ninety percent of the time when I sit down to write inspired like this, it's because of a conversation I've had with someone on social media. This post comes from two different conversations-one out of the blue message from someone about how happy I seem; the other was a pretty in-depth conversation with a friend I've known since childhood. She was encouraging me to tell more of my stories, and we were having a conversation I have with everyone about needing a filter and never knowing where to draw the line. She told me to write anyway, and so have a lot of people. That in mind... I know life is not always hard on everyone because not everyone has been a complete idiot sometimes. But in case life seems to have been kicking your ass lately, this post is for you.

It took the Christmas tree for me. We had it decorated, in our new house that we are still moving into, and it was lighting up the living room with presents underneath it. That was the first time, if ever, that I have been 100% happy, content, and certain of everything in my life. I don't mean everything is perfect, I mean I am happy. A lot of that has to do with Andrew, but I also would not be with Andrew had I not learned to love myself first, with a lot of mistakes along the way.

Almost four years ago, my life was turned upside down and inside out. Part of it was my doing, part of it was life circumstances, and part of it was other people's actions that I've had to forgive. On New Year's Day of 2013, Tyler and I separated for good.  It had been coming since he left me the first time two years before that, so it wasn't that big of a surprise. It also wasn't a surprise because I had an affair. Life is not always rainbows and butterflies, and this is not a part of my story that I'm proud of, but it is part of it.

I'm not going to go into details because those details don't matter, but I learned so much from it all now that I'm on the other side of it. The biggest lesson I learned is what love is not. I'll never say I shouldn't have married Tyler because if I hadn't I wouldn't have my children and I wouldn't be where I am. But I never loved Tyler for the right reasons, and I especially didn't love him enough after he left and gave me the opportunity to be 22 years old. I was selfish, I was young, and I made stupid decisions. Those decisions cost me my family in the long run. I basically went from a stay at home mother of a two and three year old, to a part time B-role parent. That alone nearly killed me. I didn't miss Tyler at all, but not being with my kids was the most devastating thing that's ever happened to me. It's been four years, and I've had to fight my way tooth and nail to get to where we are. Where we are isn't where I want to be, but it's better than where we were.

When Tyler and I split up, I dated. A lot. I seemed to have a time limit of about three months or so, but after that I was over it. Someone that helped raise me once told me that I get bored with people, and she wasn't wrong. Right after our divorce was finalized, I began to party on the weekends when the kids were with their dad. I felt robbed of so much-my kids, my life, my younger years. I did a lot of things people do when they're 21 when I was 25 years old. I call 2014 "The Lost Year", even though that phase didn't last an entire year. I never did anything to jeopardize my kids, so please don't preach to me after you read this. I learned a lot that year, though, but that's a story (or stories) for another time.

Through a girlfriend I met in Atlanta, I met Andrew.  He was actually dating her at the time, and of course it would be my luck to end up with the man who started out dating one of my best friends. They broke up a month before he and I went out, and we definitely went out for all the wrong reasons at first. She and I didn't talk for over a year when she found out. (I told you there are parts of my story that I'm not proud of.) After our first date, though, there was something about him that kept drawing me to know him and risk everything. To this day I can't quite tell you, other than my soul just knew. I didn't care what the rules were and I didn't care what people would think, I just wanted him in my life. From where I'm sitting now, I know why, but then I didn't. Now, the girl and I are friends again and she admits we couldn't be more perfect for each other.

Our relationship wasn't easy at first and it hasn't been an easy path to get to where we are. We started dating, and he started running. I couldn't understand why, and seven months later he told me that it took him that long to realize I wasn't like any of his ex-girlfriends. This moment came when I was having an anxiety attack in our tent at Okeechobee Music Festival. It was his first festival, and he had only been to one show with me before that night. R L Grime was coming onstage in 20 minutes, and we were a 30 minute walk from the stage. I started bawling-not because I wanted to see R L Grime, I had seen him before. I just wanted Andrew to have a perfect night, and I was so upset because I was the reason we were so far away. He said in that moment he realized how much I truly loved him, but to me it was absolutely awful… Until he took me by the hand, pulled me up, and we ran all the way back to the stage and made it there before the opening song ended. We danced the entire set, then both of us saw Bassnectar for the first time an hour later.

We still fight and argue over stupid shit, like which exit to take and what we're having for dinner, but I love him madly. Not one time when Andrew and I  have been together have I even been tempted by the idea of another man, and it's no secret that I have had commitment issues. It's not even a temptation, it just doesn't exist in my mind. He is literally my best friend-the one I can count on for anything I need in the world. He works hard for us, and he reminds me so much of my dad. I believe the hard paths we both have had in our pasts are what make us so strong for each other, and I am proud to be his. I couldn't ask for a better relationship than he has with Greenleigh and Skyler, either.  They adore him as much as he adores them and I've got tears in my eyes just typing this because I do not deserve it at all but somehow here I am. We just got a house across town from my kids' dad, and we're having both of our families here for Christmas.

 I guess what I'm saying is that if you're going through some hard shit, no matter what it is, do not give up. I spent four years in some really dark places with the fakest smile on my face surrounded by people just for the sake of not being alone. Push through, find any sort of hope to cling to. Do the right thing, but also follow your soul. Be kind to people, because you never know what's really going on in their world. If you're a mom and you're in a situation where you're dealing with divorce or custody stuff, just know the best thing you can do is to just love your babies as much as you can and as often as you can. Be there. I mean really be there- put your phone down and play the annoying games. Every time you can. Kids are so perceptive and pick up on so much more than we realize- my own have taught me that.

All my life I've heard the phrase, "when you know, you know". That was the feeling I had when I was looking at my Christmas tree as I realize how much things have changed from year to year since the year that everything changed. If you're having a shitty Christmas this year, I've been there. Three times. It gets better. This year seems almost too good to be true, and two years ago I didn't even get out of bed til 6 pm. All those nights I felt like giving up, I am really glad I didn't. All the times I wanted to run away, I'm really glad I stayed. All the things I swore I couldn't forgive myself for, I am really glad I finally did. Everything broken can be made whole again. Just hang on.

The kind of girl I am

If you follow my social media at all, you probably knew this post was coming since about lunch yesterday afternoon. I posted a video to share Donald Trump's tax cut proposal for mothers, and in turn I got attacked. Publicly, and privately. I got called a mean person, a bully, a liar, and I got accused of being on drugs.

I'm not here to talk about that. I'm here to clarify the kind of person I am... the kind of person that's drinking a glass of wine in my bathrobe at 10:30 a.m., knowing I have to be at work at 3.

Sometimes I yell at my boyfriend over stupid shit. Sometimes I snap on my best friend for the smallest things. Sometimes I am short tempered and I can say really cruel and carefully thought out things because I know they will cut the deepest. Sometimes I have been that raging psycho demanding that he pulls over on the side of the road and I'll just "walk home" because I'm so irrational.

I'm also the kind of person that wants to love everyone. I see people for what they can be, not what they actually are, and it's a double edged sword. I'm the girl that invites Facebook friends to real-life shit, in hopes of building stronger connections and friendships. I'm the girl whose ex-boyfriend texted her this morning  because he was having a shit day, and somehow gave him a positive outlook on life with the words I said. I'm the girl that told Andrew all about the conversation with said ex as soon as it happened. I'm the girl that had a 26 minute pleasant and "for no reason" conversation with my ex-husband's mother last night on the phone.

I'm the girl who will jump to the worst possible conclusions. I'm the girl who hates conflict but tunes into the drama anyways. I'm the girl who says "I don't care", but secretly obsesses about things. I'm the girl who had at least five awesome people backing me up all day long yesterday and today, but I'm still obsessing over that ONE friend who chose to delete me.

I'm the kind of girl who cares, deeply and more so than it makes sense to. I'm the kind of girl who is friends with my boyfriend's ex girlfriend because she was my friend first and I think he's not a reason to come between us. Im the kind of girl who argues with him about it when he hates that I talk to her. I'm the kind of friend who will testify in court for what I know to be true because it's the right thing to do. I'm the kind of girl who beats myself up over not being friends with more people in high school than I was.

I'm a mess, but I have a good heart and I am doing the best I can. I'm not perfect, but I like me. And that's saying something.

I haven't always liked me, but the past year or so, I have really enjoyed looking in the mirror and self-reflecting. I've grown, I've matured, and I'm proud of me.

People like to credit this to me "getting out" of Murray County, and maybe that has something to do with it. The human part of me, though, she likes to believe that people grow and change no matter what their environment is.

I was a snob and I never even knew it. I just repeated the actions that were modeled to me by my parents, and I feel like I missed out on a lot because of it. Please do not misquote me, I love my daddy, but my mom was not always the greatest example of how to treat other humans. I grew up never knowing what it was like to struggle. I never knew what it was like to hurt for money. I was taught never to talk to strangers, even if those strangers were people you went to school with. I am thankful that in my adult life I have been given the opportunity to reevaluate the way I treat other humans. I try to treat everyone that I come in contact with the same way that I would like to be treated, as corny as that sounds. I know what it's like to be the outsider in a group of friends, I know what it's like to feel like you'll never be good enough to fit in with a certain group of people. I know what it's like to feel like you're never enough.

In my adult life, the girl that I am now, I try to be the kind of person that speaks to strangers. I try to invite people to social gatherings that I know don't get invited to things. I try to be a good person. I'm not perfect, but I am not a bad person and I am not a bad friend. I can promise you that if you have me on your side, you will have someone that will go to bat for you and cuss others out for you if you're being bullied.

Everyone has their own flaws, but mine are nowhere near what they used to be. I have grown so much between 23 and 27, as I have stated. I know that I'm a good person, and if you're my friend, hey girl! But just know that I never post anything with malicious intentions, and I never set out to intentionally hurt someone. That is not the kind of person that I am. I know how it feels to be picked on, I know how it feels to be the outsider. I want everyone around me to feel included, loved, and worth a fucking shit.

So if somehow, someway, my video about Trump's plan for mothers has offended you, or if you have taken offense to anything I have posted politically or not politically on Facebook, I would like to take the opportunity now to apologize to you. I have never been the kind of person to pick on people, nor have I ever been the kind of person to make anyone feel excluded intentionally.

I don't even feel like I need to address the drug rumor, because it's not even worth my time. I hope everyone that reads this knows that they have a friend in me if they need it. That is my only goal from this blog post. I hope you all have a wonderful weekend.

Let's move on from politics. I'm begging you.

Last night I woke up in the middle of the night and went to Facebook out of habit and boredom. After about fifteen seconds I got so disgusted I closed out of it, and I'm seriously considering deleting the app for a while.

This election has pulled the nasty out in everybody. I've had friends get into it with each other on my posts, friends get mad at me over a comment I made or a meme I shared. I've had people call me names, poke at my character and question my integrity and my ability to parent. I've had people I don't even know start arguments with me about my own body. It's been brutal, it's been ugly... and this is all from an app I downloaded for enjoyment! It's no longer worth the headache to me.

Trump won. There's nothing any of us can do about it. I didn't like it when Obama won, but guess what? Throwing a temper tantrum isn't going to help things, and I cannot believe the way some people are acting.

Just because I don't hate that Trump won doesn't make me racist, or homophobic, or a redneck. I just never trusted Hillary or got a good vibe about her, and y'all know how I am about vibes. (They. Are. Real.)

I've lost a few Facebook friends over this stuff. I haven't lost sleep over losing those friends, but each time it happened I was in disbelief. One of my oldest friends was a huge Hillary supporter and we hardly ever see eye to eye, but we've had healthy and respectful debates about our views. At the end of the day, it didn't get nasty because we aren't friends because of politics. We are friends because we grew up together; we share childhood memories, a love for all things nerd and Harry Potter, and we both have children. What unites us is so much stronger than what divides us, and it's a shame that some people have ended friendships over this media circus we called an election.

I'm begging y'all, can we PLEASE get back to posting pictures of our food and the Snapchat filters I used to talk so much shit about? I'd much rather see pork chops and those obnoxious cartoon glamour filters on my timeline than one more freaking political post, rant, meme, article, ANY OF IT.

We survived Halloween!

November is my favorite month. It's full of my favorite things, like autumn leaves and caramel lattes and leggings and fried turkey and crisp winds and hues of oranges and reds everywhere. It probably helps that my birthday kicks off the month, too. Andrew asked me last night if I was ready to be 28. I think I am. 27 was hard but altogether a great learning experience for me.

That being said, you should know this blog post originally had a different form and title and direction but I changed my mind halfway through it. One thing is the same though- I'm writing this in case it helps someone deal with their own mess differently. This is not a "Look at my perfect life" post. This is a "This happened, and this is how I got through it" post.

Divorce sucks, but I am so thankful for it. Judge me all you want, I don't care. I absolutely cannot imagine what life would be like if I was still married to my kids' dad. We were both miserable, trying to force squares into circles for way too long. Now he is happily remarried with five kids between the two of them (ages 14-6), and I finally found the man who made me stop running.

Monday night was the Big Night. Brittany had invited us over for trick or treating at their house, if you remember from previous posts. Prior to Monday, I'd never been to their new house- we meet for drop-off/pick-up at a halfway point most of the time. When we arrived, Brittany's brother and sister-in-law were there with their two boys, and Tyler's mom and stepdad got there right after we did. I wanted to share with you some of the things that were worth writing about, and I'm obviously not just talking about trick or treating.

I thought it would be awkward, going to my ex-husband's house with my boyfriend, and I would be lying if I said it wasn't at first. Once we got settled in with the kids, though, it got better. Andrew painted Skyler's face (he was Optimus Prime)  and I did Greenleigh's zombie prom queen hair and makeup. We were in the dining room, and it was crowded with kids. Most of them boys, all of them loud. It was a task getting my two ready, and I immediately earned a new respect for Brittany. I cannot imagine having so much going on all the time. We eventually herded all the kids outside for pictures.

While the kids were lining up, Tyler's mom made it a point to approach Andrew and tell him what a great job he did on Skyler's face paint. I appreciated that so much. She and I have always managed to maintain a good relationship, and I still accidentally call her my mother in law sometimes. Anyway, we all got pictures and then took off down the street. Tyler's mom and stepdad stayed behind to give out candy to the trick or treaters, so it was me and Andrew, Tyler and Brittany, Roxy and Matt, and about ten kids. Quite the adventure.

Another thing you should know is that prior to this I don't think Tyler and Andrew have ever exchanged words. There's never been hostility, but Tyler just is not one to approach conversation and he has always been that way. Brittany usually talks for him, and that is more than fine with me. Tyler gave me my two greatest blessings and I will never speak ill of him. He's a great dad and I'm leaving it at that. BUT. I don't hate corresponding with Brittany instead, and there has just never been a time Andrew and Tyler have had to have a conversation.

As everyone is heading to the street, I'm a few steps directly behind Andrew and he can't see me as I overhear what happens next. He stuck his right hand out to Tyler and said, "I appreciate you letting us tag along, man." Tyler shook his hand and did this thing he always does that is between a head nod and a head jerk. He said a word between "yeah" and "uh-huh". Andrew made another attempt at conversation that fell flat with Tyler (like I knew it would because he is just like that) so I stepped up quietly to his left and slipped my hand into his. I fell in love with him a little more in that moment. He will do anything in this world for me or for my kids, and I am a lucky woman.

The rest of the time was fun. Greenleigh had a friend with her from next door, and Skyler was with a squad of boys close to his age. They were running back and forth, comparing candy and racing from house to house. Brittany and I were taking turns yelling Mom-like orders like "Stay on this side of the road!" and "Don't run!" and things of that nature. Skyler ran up to me and announced "I got a Reese's!" every time he got one because he knows they are my favorite.

At one point, I heard Skyler walk up to Andrew and quietly (because he's polite and respectful of others) say, "I think I'm the awesomest one here", talking about his face paint. I watched a grin spread over my 27-year-old man's face that made my heart swell three sizes. Little moments, guys.

Halfway through our trip through the neighborhood I noticed Skyler start holding himself and doing the Potty Dance. I mentioned to Tyler that Skyler had to go, and he said, "They all have to go. We're headed back soon." Which I guess is what they have to do when there's a bunch of kids, but when Skyler is with me he is fifty percent of everything. This is another one of those moments I had to bite my tongue and respect their father- remember we talked about self-growth? Well, we made it back to their house 45 minutes later and Skyler raced upstairs holding himself when all the bathrooms downstairs were full. He emerged later holding his shorts and said, "Mommy, I had to go bad and some of it got on my shorts!" The rest of the kids were downstairs and he didn't want them to know, obviously. I try not to make a big deal out of things like this, so I said, "Just change real quick. Put your shorts in the clothes hamper. It's okay." He set off to his bedroom and I heard Greenleigh call me from across the house, so I left him to it.

I guess I assumed Skyler went downstairs, I don't know. I was in a hurry and running around gathering up face paint and makeup and hairspray. I was looking for Greenleigh again when I heard Brittany call Skyler from the bottom of the stairs. I walked to see where he was, and I saw him standing with his head hung at the top of the stairs. I quietly told her why he had changed clothes and she asked him why he didn't just take a shower. "That's my fault," I said almost too quickly. I don't know why my defense mechanisms kick in like that- she wasn't attacking my son. He was just sweaty from running around outside, and he had put on clean pajamas. I got it, but he was still my baby and he was embarrassed to even be talking about his change of clothes. "I told him to just change, I wasn't thinking about a shower," I said to her. Skyler had made his way down the stairs and in that moment he reached his arms up to me and I picked him up the same way I have since he was born and put him on my hip. I sat down in a chair with him in my lap facing me and put my forehead against his. "I'm sorry we didn't take you to go potty when you told me you needed to. That's on me, baby. Accidents happen. You're okay." My six year old baby boy was fighting back tears and breaking my heart. He took a deep breath, wrapped his arms around my neck and said, "I love you, Mommy. Do you want a Reese's?"

I am so in love with my son, y'all.

Anyway, the point of the accident story was not to throw shade in any direction. It was for all you moms out there who are afraid that your baby's daddy's new girlfriend is going to take your place or pose a threat to you or steal your children's love. The answer is no. In that moment, I was on Brittany and Tyler's territory standing next to her in her own house, and my son came to me because I am his mother and I love him unconditionally. As long as you are treating your kids with love and respect and make them feel safe, they will always know there's no place like Momma's arms. The only one with the power to take that feeling away from them is YOU- but that's a blog for another time. Brittany is an amazing stepmom to my kids and I couldn't ask for a better one. Please don't go twisting my words- if her son has been in that situation, he would've run to her, because she is his mother. I used to freak out over the thought of Brittany stepping into my role sometimes, but then I grew up and realized I should be thankful it's not Tyler in charge of matching their clothes or braiding Greenleigh's hair when they're not with me. She treats my kids the same way she treats hers, and she loves them genuinely. I am grateful for her and I respect her a lot more after Monday. There's nothing wrong with teaching your children it's okay to love and accept others into their lives. I'd rather them have two happy families than one miserable one, or two unhappy single parents who won't leave each other alone long enough to move on to find happiness.

I don't know if Tyler will ever attempt a conversation with me or Andrew on his own, or if Brittany and I will ever take a shopping trip together. I am thankful, however, for little milestones like Monday night. My kids got to spend a holiday with their parents, grandparents, aunt and uncle, cousins, and Andrew. They had a blast, and we all had fun watching them have fun. It was not about me, or Brittany, or Andrew, or Tyler. It was about those kids. Their smiles make it all worth it.

Do what makes you happy.

I remember when Pokémon came out when we were little. I played the yellow version on my hot pink Game Boy color, and soon after I began collecting the trading cards. I'm not sure when I stopped playing, or why. I'm sure I probably grew out of it. I put the cards away in their yellow Pikachu collector's album at the top of my closet and forgot they even existed. 

A couple of years later, my mom pushed me to start reading a "new book that's popular called Harry Potter". She wasn't pushing me to read because I needed to- I literally had my nose in a book my entire childhood. She was just trying to be a good mom and get me interested in a new craze she'd been hearing about. When I finally did read the Sorcerer's Stone, I followed up with the next two that were out quickly. Goblet of Fire was released the next year, when I was in seventh grade. It was the longest book yet- 636 pages- and I read it in three days while on vacation in Myrtle Beach. It was like that with every book release from there on out. To this day, 14 years later, it's still true. I bought Cursed Child a couple of days after it came out this summer and I read every bit of it in a little over three hours. 

A new hobby that I've taken interest in recently is comic books. I bought a collector's edition of The Dark Knight over the summer, and it was interesting to actually read a story cover to cover almost entirely with pictures. I've started getting into Marvel and DC recently, reading the stories as well as watching the movies that come out. Andrew has taught me a lot about Batman, and we watch animated cartoons a LOT. He recently bought me The Killing Joke (an R-rated cartoon about the Joker and Batgirl that's extremely messed up and I hated every minute of it), Son of Batman (a storyline where Bateman has a biological son, Damian), and Under the Red Hood (Dean from Supernatural is the voice of the Red Hood, and I won't spoil it in case anyone actually cares but this one is AWESOME). I've explored more than just the new Batman vs. Superman and Suicide Squad (terrible). I've got opinions about them because I watched adult cartoons. When was the last time that was cool?

Speaking of cartoons, I'm also one of those "weird" people who enjoys the hell out of Rick and Morty and actually think it makes sense on some levels. Go ahead, judge me. Just do your research first. 

I stopped trying to be someone I'm not a while ago, but just recently did I begin to embrace the things that make me who I am with enthusiasm and positivity. I listen to dubstep unapologetically and share songs no one has even heard of on social media. I own a dress that looks like the Marauders' Map- it's adorable. I've been to a comic book convention. I've seen all of the X-Men movies and I can't wait for Logan to come out. I walk around downtown Woodstock in tennis shoes and a hoodie on a Friday night with my Pokémon game out on my phone in front of me without a care in the world who's looking or what they think about it. My daughter is now reading the Harry Potter books to me and I'm able to experience them again through her eyes. It's wonderful.

Anyway, my point is that all of these things are totally nerdy. It's a running joke about "comic book nerds"- have you watched an episode of The Big Bang Theory? What about all the memes made about Pokémon Go players telling them to "get a life"? 

Pokémon Go has probably helped my relationship, if I'm being honest. We found a hobby we both love, and it's free. It gets us out of the house and gives us reasons to explore new places, like Andrew's first hike up Kennesaw Mountain a few weeks ago. (We were hunting a Bulbasaur nest- it's not there anymore, by the way.) We get competitive, and for once in my life I can actually say I'm better than him at something involving a video game. (I'm a higher level than him, and I have a Blastoise. He's salty and it's hilarious.) Still though, we help each other out in battles at gyms and try to find the monsters together. It's time we spend talking, laughing, and creating memories. 

I guess what I'm saying is, don't lose who you are trying to follow what's "in". Don't shut out the parts of you that create the uniqueness of your soul. Be passionate about the things you love, not ashamed or apologetic. I don't care if you play a kazoo- play it and play your heart out. (Have you seen Walk Off The Earth's "Closer" cover?) If you're with a guy/girl who's trying to change those things about you, maybe you should re-evaluate your relationship. People deserve to be happy. People deserve to enjoy things. It's okay to be excited about something that no one's ever even heard of. Do you love a band nobody else likes or have a favorite song that's not popular? Share it anyway. It's okay to be weird. It's okay to be different. People remember you that way. 

The people who matter and deserve to have you in their lives will love the weird or "uncool" parts of you as long as it puts a smile on your face. They'll love your nerdisms, they'll start tagging you in hilarious memes that you'll only understand if your elevator goes past a certain level. Your life will feel fuller. You will be upbeat and happy because you are enjoying life, even in the little things. My dad described me the best anyone ever has when he introduced me to his girlfriend last year: "This is Lindsey. She's my hippie child who always had her nose stuck in a book. She believes in fairies and magic and goes to music festivals." Then he laughed. 

And those Pokémon cards I forgot existed? My 11 year old little brother was REALLY happy that his big sister used to nerd out in the 90's when he found them this summer. 

Embrace your nerd. Get excited about stuff. Do weird stuff with your weird friends. Life is too short not to be happy.